Godzilla- Oh, No. They Say He's Got to Go.

First of all, I'd like to congratulate the makers of Godzilla for making a movie about three giant monsters fighting and knocking down buildings into the most boring movie ever featured on No Spoiler Tags. A list which includes a film about statistical analysis for the optimization of personal assets, two plodding spy dramas, two silent films, a movie based on a novel written by a guy who just wanted to try out these cool new languages he invented and a documentary about collecting office supplies. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to suck all of the fun and excitement out of such an inherently cool topic, but by Godzilla, they did it.

Up next on the No Spoiler Tags awards: Best City to Destroy. Washington D.C., Paris and Tokyo are out of the running. They have been done to the death of millions. New York City is a timeless classic which never grows old. Wreck anything in London built after 1900 and you're doing the world a favor. Not exactly the goal of your horrific rampage. Las Vegas is an interesting up and comer. Where else can you destroy the Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty, the Great Pyramids and the Space Needle in a single day? And the winner is...San Fransisco. Whether you're a natural disaster, a natural disaster which is really man's fault, a giant monster, from outer space or a giant monster from outer space, with such great structures as the Golden Gate Bridge, the TransAmerica Building and, of course, Starfleet Headquarters, when you're looking to level a city, this lovely seaside metropolis is the perfect place to go.

According to the trailers, this movie is about Bryan Cranston yelling, Godzilla and jumping out of a plane from an absurd altitude. In reality, Heisenberg did not make it past the film's fifteen minute mark, the HALO jump was shorter in the movie than the trailer and the two MUTOs which weren't in the trailer got more screen time than the King of All Monsters.

The reason they have to HALO jump is because the MUTOs can knock out electronics in a 200 mile radius. It must have been difficult to find a plane which could get them to this altitude as it is 100 miles above the atmosphere.

Suspension bridges work by bearing load of the road deck on a series of high tension cables. If a giant monster were to snap one of the main support cables, what would happen? If you answered, it would immediately crash into the ocean, you are correct. If you said, it would remain relatively unharmed until the non-load bearing road deck was damaged, you made this movie.

Godzilla and the MUTOs are explained as natural, prehistoric creatures which evolved in a more radioactive period in Earth's history. As natural creatures, they should obey natural laws. Chief among these is that animals are lazy. They do as little work for as much reward as possible. Which is to say if Godzilla went through all the trouble to chase the MUTO across the entire fucking Pacific and then fighting and killing two of them, it would, at least, eat them before he vanishes into the ocean. Also, a solo predator would not intentionally pursue a creature as large or larger than itself which also exhibits pack behavior.

I am very glad I followed the rules of 3D and saw this 3D convert in 2D. It was very dark in 2D. In 3D, they might as well not have even turned the projector on.

Right now, I really regret using the Blue Oyster Cult on Pacific Rim last year. So to close us out, here's Johnny Cash singing about subduction zones around the Pacific Plate.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2- With Great Power, Comes Great Irrationality

I broke audience rule number one of the rules of 3D. I saw a 3D converted movie. To make matters worse the The Amazing Spider-Man 2 frequently broke filmmakers rules one and three with fast action and camera pans counter to on-screen motion. As a result, all of the action sequences in this movie looked very shitty.

Oscorp, the world's most scientifically advanced corporation, is proud to announce the world's first electromagnetic power grid. Finally, you can throw out your old analog electricity. The all-new electronic electricity provides power at speeds approaching the speed of light by wave motion of one of the fundamental forces of the universe. Electricity now with magnetism.

Oscorp is also introducing new highly explosive uranium-238. No longer will you have to build a complicated nuclear bomb to destroy a city with an uncontrolled nuclear reaction. Spontaneously explosive plutonium: now on sale at all Terrorist Mega-Mart locations.

The next time I see a movie where a bullet causes an explosive decompression of a plane I will explosively decompress. That's just not how science works. The pressure difference inside and out of a plane is not that great. Bullet holes are too small to cause a catastrophic failure of a fuselage. Planes are made of metal and are pretty strong. This was ridiculous when it first started showing up in movies about 20 years ago and it just keeps getting worse. The Mythbusters have tested it. It's time to let this bit of stupid movie science go.

Spiderman is my favorite superhero, (Although, I am not a big fan of any of the film treatments.) but something occurred to me while watching this movie that I hadn't thought of before. How does Spideman work? His main power is his sticky skin, but he covers it in a full body suit. Why doesn't he have problems with random things sticking to him? Does he wake up in the morning curled up in a tiny ball and spend hours getting himself untangled? Can he turn off the stickiness when he's fucking Gwen? (Because ouch) If stickiness is conscious power, then how does he sleep on walls and ceilings as he does in this movie as well as other appearances? So many questions, so few answers.

Gwen narrowly escaped the 63rd floor with security guards nearly catching her at the elevator. If only the security personnel at Oscorp, home of flying jet wings, giant battlesuits and magic mutating drugs, had access to some sort of technology to communicate telephonically with personnel on a different floor of the building, they could have caught her as she got off the elevator. But, I guess such futuristic tech is still decades away.

I have been waiting for them to kill off Gwen since they introduced her and still caught me by surprise when they did. It's good to be back...