Saturday, November 24, 2012

Goldfinger- No, Mr. Bond, I Expect You To Dye

Goldfinger is the ultimate Bond film. Sean Connery, an ejector-seat laden Aston Martin, Alotta Fagina and Random Task Pussy Galore and Oddjob, it's all there and more. And unlike Skyfall, Goldfinger has a evil plot with some real ambition and a tolerable theme song. (Paul McCartney's Live and Let Die and Madonna's Die Another Day are the only Bond themes which should ever be heard outside a theater and then very, very rarely.) There are many potential topics from this movie, but today we will focus on the logistics of painting a woman to death without making a mess.

First of all, the idea that covering someone in paint will kill them is MtyhBusters certified busted. (Although it will cause Adam to break out in anal sex jokes.) Mystiques have worn nothing but paint through four X-Men movies and all have survived. Sports Illustrated has yet to kill any of the girls they paint. "Skin asphyxiation" simply does not exist because skin does not breathe. Heat stroke might be a problem if you went for a jog after a total body paint job and if the paint had some toxic properties, like a good old-fashioned lead base, you could be in danger of being poisoned, but your skin will continue to not breathe as well as it has always not breathed. For the rest of this post, we will assume that a good paint job is lethal and discuss how it could have happened.

Let's set the scene. James and his new fuck buddy and future corpse Jill are hanging out in a hotel room. James dares to insult The Beatles and is justifiably knocked unconscious by Oddjob (or possibly Alfred Hitchcock, we'll never know for sure) and when he wakes up he is alone with a naked Golden Girl (insert mental image of Bea Arthur here), the room is tidy without a stray drop of paint, the paint on Jill is completely dry and Jill is completely dead. That was some knock on the head because I am estimating that this murder is no less than a three hour job.

The logistics of this homicide get easier if she is killed elsewhere and the paint is dry before she is brought into the room, but dragging a super sexy, nude, golden body through a hotel lobby is likely to attract some attention, so she must have remained in the room.

The easiest method for a whole body paint job would be dipping into a bath of wet paint, but there is no way to pull that off in a hotel room. Spray paint would be quickest, but a quality sprayer is bulky and noisy equipment completely unsuitable for a covert killing in a crowded hotel and canned spray paint never seems to get a smooth, even coat and should not be used indoors. (You could kill someone.) It would also be difficult to get the level of neatness that Goldfinger demands. (He is very picky about the cleanliness of his murders.) Besides, a close-up of Jill's face shows what is clearly brushstrokes.

Bond makes no mention of any wounds or bruising on the victim. Nor did he mention sedation or poison. Only paint. So if we believe that, then for several hours while conscious and being murdered very slowly our victim did not cry out, break a lamp, throw paint, and patiently waited for several coats of paint to dry. A truly extraordinary level of cooperation that implies that Jill in fact wanted to die in the shiniest possible way. I will set aside the assisted suicide theory here and say at this point Oddjob probably injected her with a sedative that Bond was unaware of or chose not to mention. (Maybe Bond got a shot of it as well. Oddjob would be so embarrassed if he was caught gold handed in the middle of undressing and coloring another man's girl.)

As far as we know, Oddjob acted alone but that would have meant either hauling in all of his supplies (paint, brushes, painter's suits, gold panties and tarps) while also sneaking around and knocking out a super-spy or making another trip or two out to the car after rendering James and Jill unconscious. An extra man or two would certainly made the agonizingly slow murder easier and more enjoyable. Ya know, someone to have a beer with while waiting for the paint to dry.

So, now that we've got it all planed out it's just a matter of painting by murders. Step one: cover the bed and surrounding floor with tarps. Apply do not disturb sign to door knob. Put on painter's suits. Do not leave the tarp covered area or touch any uncovered surfaces or items until the murder is complete. Step two: undress the victim. Step three: lay her on the bed face down. Step four: Apply smooth, even brushstrokes across your victim's body remembering that every inch of her skin must be fully covered, so make sure to get the soles of her feet, armpits and butt-crack. Step five: wait one to two hours for the paint to thoroughly dry. Step six: turn over the victim and paint her front side. Again make sure to pay special attention to all the naughty bits. Step seven: wait one to two hours for the paint to dry. If you have done well, your victim should now be dead. If not, repeat steps three through seven. Step eight: lift body off tarp, fold tarp on bed and place in transport bag. Place victim back on bed and apply golden panties. Pose seductively but with all naughty bits covered. Step nine: Remove painter's suits and place in transport bag. Wash hands and brushes in sink making sure that all of the paint flushes down the drain. Fold up all remaining tarps and place them in the transport bag. Step ten: inspect the area for any additional clean-up necessary and perform said clean-up. Also verify that the victim is deceased. Step eleven: leave hotel without drawing any unnecessary attention.

Or you could just get a gun and shoot her.

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