Although I had never seen it before tonight, The Rise of the Planet of the Apes (or more specifically its trailer) was one of the movies that inspired this blog. From the trailer alone, I could spot two critical errors which would make this film ridiculously stupid and stopped me from watching this movie earlier. (You don't often meet SAM six months before the movie is released.) And although there was a twist which almost cleared up these errors, they were still there and they made this film ridiculously stupid. Play along and see if you can find them.
The answers are it would be out of continuity with the original movie it was supposed to be a prequel of and there would be no realistic way that the apes could take over the world.
In The Planet of the Apes, we learn that the humans blew themselves up into near extinction after the astronauts blasted off during a still raging Cold War and in the absence of humans the apes evolved and took control, (That's not really how evolution works, but that's another rant.) but they are still not as smart as humans. Here is were the twist comes in and they release a deadly virus that opens up an opportunity for the apes. So, its not really The Rise of the Planet of the Apes so much as its The Rise of the Deadly Virus Accidentally Released by Unethical Biomedical Researchers Operating in Violation Safety Guidelines And I Almost Forgot There Were Some Monkeys, Too. The ending of The Planet of the Apes was to send a message that continued nuclear brinksmanship would inevitably lead to the destruction of mankind. But setting The Rise of the Planet of the Apes in the post-Cold War era leaves us with the unanswered question of why did we finally do it? Us maniacs! Why did we blow it up? Ah, damn us! God damn us all to hell!
The virus makes it a bit more realistic that the monkey revolution could have succeeded, but the concept still fall well short of the laugh test. The fact is humans have millions of years of experience and development into new and better ways to kill each other and a vast numerical advantage over the apes. We've got nukes, fighter planes, 7 billion soldiers, and Sun Tzu and the apes have feces throwing. (Our biowarfare programs are a bit further along.) The fact is the most realistic continuation of the story by the end of the credits the Air Force flies over the forest and ends the monkey threat. Unless the apes are Lawnmower Man smart, there is nothing they can do to stop that. (Evidence indicates the apes are around normal human intelligence and magic-powers-smart would be another strike against continuity.) There are between 170 and 300 thousand Common Chimpanzees left in the wild and even with a deadly virus outbreak, with a numerical advantage of more than 23,000:1, I think humanity has a good shot at taking out 300,000 Lawnmower Monkeys in an all out war.
P.S.-I know the difference between a monkey and an ape. I just don't care.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
The Amazing Spider-Man- The Lois Lane Game
It seems only yesterday we were saying hello to Tobey Maguire as Spider-Man and now we have a new Spider-Man, a more accurate to the comics Spider-Man, a better than 3 but not as good as 1 or 2 Spider-Man, The Amazing Spider-Man. I liked that Gwen and Doc Connors finally got some screen time and that the web shooters were mechanical again, but everything else could have been better.
Let's start at the end. The Lizard is about to turn the populous of New York into lizard creatures until Spider-Man switches the lizardizing serum for the back-to-humanizing serum thus exposing the entire populous of New York, of which only a tiny percentage were lizard creatures, to a powerful mutagen. This serum has not been properly tested for effectiveness at its intended purpose (i.e. curing mutant lizardism) nor have any side-effects been determined. And the effect on unaltered humans is completely unknown. All that is really known about this serum is that it dramatically alters DNA, so of course, it is perfectly safe to indiscriminately scatter over one of the largest cities in the world. This scene turns on its head what was otherwise a cautionary tale regarding the need for rigorous study regarding scientific, especially biomedical, research. Spider-Man should have stopped the lizardizing machine, cured Dr. Connors, and then tracked down the rest of the lizards and cured them one at a time. It's a more difficult, slower and more dangerous method and there are bound to be civilian casualties from rampaging lizards; however, New York City won't have cancer in five years.
Other than the fact that Spider-Man has probably killed thousands, this movie has a serious Lois Lane problem. Lois Lane is billed as the world greatest reporter, but she can't figure out that the guy she works with, the guy that keeps coming up with lame excuses to suddenly leave, the guy that is never around when Superman is, and the guy that looks an awful lot like Superman with glasses is in fact Superman. This huge blind-spot makes me question not just her ability as a reporter, but if she is intelligent enough to care for herself. So with that in mind, let's play The Lois Lane Game and figure out how long it should have taken various characters to guess Peter Parker is Spider-Man.
People on the Subway- Peter demonstrates his strength, stickiness and agility to a car-full of people. No one on the train recognizes him, but one of the passengers sells their story to a tabloid and the security cam footage goes viral on Youtube. Peter is recognized within three days.
Peter's classmates- Peter humiliates Flash using strength, stickiness and agility. He later throws a football so hard that it bends the uprights. Someone puts it together ten seconds later.
NYPD- A vigilante is targeting criminals with a very specific appearance. The police run a database search on people which match said description and find one is suspected of murdering Ben Parker. Police arrive at the Parker household and see that Peter matches the height and weight of Spider-Man. It takes a week for the pattern to emerge and Peter is under arrest within an hour.
Luckily, clouds of untested mutating agents raining down from above have never been proven to cure Lois Lane Syndrome. Side-effects include Hulking-out, Flaming-on, and slow and painful death.
Let's start at the end. The Lizard is about to turn the populous of New York into lizard creatures until Spider-Man switches the lizardizing serum for the back-to-humanizing serum thus exposing the entire populous of New York, of which only a tiny percentage were lizard creatures, to a powerful mutagen. This serum has not been properly tested for effectiveness at its intended purpose (i.e. curing mutant lizardism) nor have any side-effects been determined. And the effect on unaltered humans is completely unknown. All that is really known about this serum is that it dramatically alters DNA, so of course, it is perfectly safe to indiscriminately scatter over one of the largest cities in the world. This scene turns on its head what was otherwise a cautionary tale regarding the need for rigorous study regarding scientific, especially biomedical, research. Spider-Man should have stopped the lizardizing machine, cured Dr. Connors, and then tracked down the rest of the lizards and cured them one at a time. It's a more difficult, slower and more dangerous method and there are bound to be civilian casualties from rampaging lizards; however, New York City won't have cancer in five years.
Other than the fact that Spider-Man has probably killed thousands, this movie has a serious Lois Lane problem. Lois Lane is billed as the world greatest reporter, but she can't figure out that the guy she works with, the guy that keeps coming up with lame excuses to suddenly leave, the guy that is never around when Superman is, and the guy that looks an awful lot like Superman with glasses is in fact Superman. This huge blind-spot makes me question not just her ability as a reporter, but if she is intelligent enough to care for herself. So with that in mind, let's play The Lois Lane Game and figure out how long it should have taken various characters to guess Peter Parker is Spider-Man.
People on the Subway- Peter demonstrates his strength, stickiness and agility to a car-full of people. No one on the train recognizes him, but one of the passengers sells their story to a tabloid and the security cam footage goes viral on Youtube. Peter is recognized within three days.
Peter's classmates- Peter humiliates Flash using strength, stickiness and agility. He later throws a football so hard that it bends the uprights. Someone puts it together ten seconds later.
NYPD- A vigilante is targeting criminals with a very specific appearance. The police run a database search on people which match said description and find one is suspected of murdering Ben Parker. Police arrive at the Parker household and see that Peter matches the height and weight of Spider-Man. It takes a week for the pattern to emerge and Peter is under arrest within an hour.
Luckily, clouds of untested mutating agents raining down from above have never been proven to cure Lois Lane Syndrome. Side-effects include Hulking-out, Flaming-on, and slow and painful death.
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