Dear Jack- I Am Jack's Malignant Blood

When No Spoiler Tags began every post was supposed to be all text, that very quickly went out the window and at one point having no clue how to wrap up post, I threw in a song. Somewhere along the way I started looking for music to put in every post and get a little disappointed when I can't find the right song. This is the first piece where the music comes first and the words are secondary.

I can't say Jack's Mannequin is one of my favorite bands, in fact, I find their studio albums a little flat and the songwriting a bit too sentimental for my tastes, but I have seen to about 100 live shows, including many legendary acts, and the best, most electric performance was from this plucky, little, now defunct band. Holiday From Real (included later in this post) is also on my short list for my favorite song. (I don't have a true favorite song.) And for that, they will always be special to me.

Now, having mentioned mannequins and recently defunct bands, I feel justified shoe-horning in a song from the band I have most wanted to put on this site from the very first time I ever posted a song. My favorite local band: Single File. Common Struggles. Great album. Buy it.

I have been wanting to see Dear Jack for a long time. I first learned about this film from a Daily Show interview with Andrew McMahon in 2008. As I remember the story from that interview, Warner Brothers had sent out a film crew to shoot a "making of" documentary for Jack Mannequin's first album and at one point Andrew stepped out of the studio to take a call. Thinking the call was from his agent the camera crew followed and accidentally filmed a call from his doctor saying "Get to the hospital now. You have leukemia. You are starting treatment today." A truly incredible moment caught on film. (I saw it. This footage exists.) Like the Zapruder Film, an attempt to film something fun and meaningless accidentally caught something shocking and profound. But, this awesome footage didn't even make it into the final cut of the film which was a shame as it would have been it's finest moment. In my imagination, this movie began with several minutes of generic "making of" footage before this call and a sudden left turn to a cancer documentary. What was in the movie was moving and a stunning portrait of one man's triumph over cancer, but the loss of this scene is inexcusable and a first act twist could have really made the film into something unforgettable.

The truth was Andrew knew he was sick before he got the missing call, (How sick he was was a surprise.) but he had been feeling weak for months before his diagnosis and references to illness permeated "Everything in Transit", the album he was writing. The most haunting lines are found at the beginning of Holiday From Real.

There are a critical shortage of people on the National Bone Marrow Registry. I signed up in 2008. I have twice been called in for secondary testing and am currently waiting to hear if I will be asked to donate. [Update: It's happening.] Please sign up. I don't have enough marrow for everyone. You could save the life of a musical genius or someone far less important like a nine-year-old. Be the Match.

We will close with one more thematically appropriate song about the prison-like nature of hospitals.

Gravity- Rides Everything

Whoa! That was intense. I have never found a movie so engrossing and suspenseful. At one point, I tried to dodge something on the screen at a 2D showing. (Remember the rules of 3D. Don't support 3D conversions.) A big shout-out to the star of the film: (Sandra Bullock's ass?*) Sir Issac Newton. The inertia in this film gave a great performance. It really deserved top billing over Gravity. This may have also been the most scientifically accurate movie about space ever made and it was the scientific accuracy that made the action as great as it was. Note to Hollywood: Science=Good.

*When did Sandra Bullock get hot? Sandra is currently 49 years old. She has been a famous actress since the late 80s. And while I acknowledge she has always been attractive, I have never had a lewd thought about her until today. I guess zero-G does wonders.

NASA training must be intense. (Too bad NASA no longer exists either in the short-term with 97% of NASA employees furloughed or the long-term with no manned space vehicle.) In six months of training, Dr. Stone, a medical engineer with no aeronautics background learned all the complexities of living and working in space, how to repair the Hubble Space Telescope, how to fly a Soyuz unassisted, reading Russian and Chinese, the layout of two space stations and Advanced Fire-extinguisher Aeronautics. (NASA does not use compressed gas fire-extinguishers for reason seen in the film.) Even though the mission only called for her knowing two of those skills. She also presumably learned something about the Space Shuttle she was supposed to be flying in and could land it blindfolded using only her feet. By the time Dr. Stone returns to Earth, she has used six different spacecrafts.

The odds of Dr. Stone making it to the Chinese craft and surviving re-entry were astronomical, but assuming she survived to the surface her odds of living to tell the tale were still really slim. The place where she landed was essentially random and because Dr. Stone was having "one of those days" the floats on her landing pod did not deploy forcing her to swim to land. A significant minority of the Earth's surface is land which would not provide Dr. Stone with a comfortable landing, but the majority of the planet is too far from shore. The world has 356,000 kilometers of coastline and surface area of 510,072,000 square kilometers. I have personally completed a one mile (1.6km) swim and I believe most reasonably fit people with no special training could do the same, but not much more than that. If I was in that landing pod, I would have a safe landing area of 569,600 square kilometers, a target I would have a 0.1% chance of hitting at random. If Dr. Stone's NASA training increased her swimming ability to 10km, more than six times my best distance, her odds of survival increase dramatically to 0.7%. The current world record for unassisted swimming is 112 kilometers held by Penny Palfrey. If Penny could match her 41 hour effort, she would have a safe landing area of 39,872,000 square kilometers, good for a 7.8% chance of survival. (Assuming she knew which way to swim.)

The beach where Dr. Stone landed appeared to be in North Korea. Some days you just can't win.

Elizabethtown- Mercury Shoes: Running Into Trouble?

Elizabethtown is bold experiment in film-making. In a plot never before or hence attempted, Elizabethtown features an emotionally detached man who meets a quirky woman at a difficult time in his life and she teaches him how to love and to enjoy life. Wait, I'm being told, that's actually the most common plot of all time. So, as we begin year three, we revive a rich No Spoiler Tags tradition of pretty much ignoring the actual movie and focusing in on some tiny details which are actually kind of important. The plot of Elizabethtown is driven in large part by two major companies, American Airlines and Mercury Shoes, making some terrible business decisions. For any Fortune 500 CEOs reading this comically-centered movie blog for financial advice, do not overestimate your market the way these companies did and stop reading comically-centered movie blogs for financial advice.

In the opening act of the film, Drew is fired from his job at Mercury Shoes for the failure of his experimental design which will cost the company 972 million dollars. Already we see a problem, why would a company invest 972 million dollars in an experimental design, especially in a field like shoes where there really is no need to experiment? But the real problem with these shoes was not their design, (although they are ugly) but their marketing. These shoes were released under the name "Späsmotica". And a consumer base of image conscious athletes loves nothing more than strapping on a pair of ugly Spazs before a game. As I paused on the recall notice to get the proper spelling of this shoe, I learned another detail about Mercury's blunder. Mercury Shoes recalled 350,000 pairs of Spazs. In order to get up to the $972,000,000 loss, that puts the production cost per pair up to $2,777.14. With a reasonable retail markup, these shoes would probably sell for more than $3,000 a pair or 30 times more than I'm willing to pay for a pair of tennies. Add it all up, and this product was clearly doomed from the start.

Claire and Drew meet on an apparently non-stop flight from somewhere in California Oregon (We'll assume Portlandia.) to Louisville, Kentucky. They have plenty of time to talk because Drew is literally the only passenger. As they chat, Claire mentions it's 3AM and the Louisville Airport is bustling when they land, with an estimated four and a half hour flight time, this conversation must have taken place just after take-off. I can't imagine the Portland-Louisville route being packed anytime of day, but for a flight time after the bars close I can't believe they got anyone. And they sent a big plane, too. A wide-body design large enough for two classes. By the Wikipedia line-up of planes operated by American Airlines I looked at, I reckon it was a Boeing 767, a plane designed primarily for international routes. At a $3 per gallon jet fuel cost, it'd take an estimated $47,161.28 to fly one of these bad boys from Portland to Louisville. That's almost 17 pairs of Späsmoticas! American Airlines should have never offered this fateful flight and they should have canceled it when they only sold one seat. And judging by Claire's palace, they are paying their employees way too much. (Judging by reality, probably not.) If American Airlines keeps running their business like this, they will have to declare bankruptcy two years ago.

I did way too much research for this post.

As a mixed tape CD played an important role in the Planning Paradox ending of this slightly overly-sappy story about love and loss, we will end with a slightly over-sappy love song about making a mixed tape from a band we recently lost.

(Hey, I just got that song is about trying to get a girl back. That only took seven years.)

The Act of Killing- Truth in Fiction

I like when a movie challenges me. The Act of Killing won. I am not currently a functional human being. Apparently, it has been an hour since the powerful final scene of this film and I say apparently because I am not currently aware of the passage of time. I didn't realize how much this movie got to me until I started walking out of the theater and found myself shaking. For the past hour, I have been struggling with a mixture of anger, sadness and numbness that I didn't know was possible. As my cognitive functions are slowly being restored, please watch the trailer...

The Act of Killing goes to several men who actively participated in a genocide and asked them to make a film about it. And they actually did it. I cannot comprehend this, but it happened. Anwar and the others featured in this film do not fear any consequences for their actions. They are apparently guilt-free and proud of what they've done. They are treated like rock stars at giant rallies praising the government and how they came to power. One of the most chilling scenes is an interview for Indonesian television in which the pretty, young interviewer praises Anwar's actions and another guest, representing the government, expresses a willingness to do it again.

We first meet Anwar on a rooftop where he personally killed more than one hundred people. He re-enacts his favorite manner of execution and then dances a little jig. Over the course of the film he admits to drug and alcohol use and nightmares, but never quite admits to a guilty conscious. That changes when he acts out the role of a man being tortured and executed. During the filming, he breaks down and cries. His reaction is even stronger when he sees it on film and he finally admits he did something wrong. When he returns to that rooftop in the final scene, he becomes physically ill.

Fiction, especially in film form, has an incredible power to reveal truth. Anwar's acting short-circuited nearly fifty years of mental defenses in a matter of seconds. Forced to pretend that he was the man about to die, Anwar couldn't shield himself with his movie star bad-ass persona. Anwar knew what it was to be the criminal, but for the first time he was confronted with being the victim. This is one of my favorite things about film, when it's done well, there's no defense against it.

I would like to leave you with one final note. About half the people in the credits were listed as Anonymous because these people are still in charge of Indonesia.

Pacific Rim- The Rules of Sci-Fi

Some of the posts on No Spoiler Tags are bits of philosophy just waiting to attach to the right movie. This is one of these posts. I am a colossal nerd, (For evidence of this statement, please read everything I have ever written.) and as such, I have been desperately searching for just the perfect movie to attach to this post. When I first saw the trailer for Pacific Rim, I thought two things:

1. I finally found it.
2. Michael Bay has really gone overboard this time. Wait, Guillermo del Toro, I'm in.

About six years ago, I began to ask myself a question: What separates good sci-fi from bad sci-fi? There's sci-fi set far in the future and sci-fi in the distant past. Some sci-fi is centered around advanced technology. Some sci-fi features magic. There is sci-fi drama, action, comedy, romance and horror. Despite all of this variety in styles, the line between good and bad sci-fi is often razor thin. After much internal deliberation, I realized there was only one rule for making good sci-fi:

Good sci-fi obeys it's own rules.

The rules can be whatever the author wants. People can fly, teleporters exist, time traveling phone booths, whatever. But, once a rule is in place, the author has to stick to it. Good sci-fi is very loyal to it's own rules. Bad sci-fi plays it fast and loose. That answer satisfied me for several years, then things got complicated...

After years of resistance, I began watching Lost. (I started from the beginning and caught up before season six aired.) I found Lost to be a compelling drama for the first season, but as season two began the show began to be taken over by increasingly terrible sci-fi elements. Why did I like the drama and hate the sci-fi? I couldn't think of any rule Lost had broken. Then, it hit me. I couldn't think of any rule Lost had established. In fact, it had gone out of its way not to create a single rule or offer any explanation. Lost had dodged the first rule of sci-fi. By the end of season three, it was clear Lost could only be understood through dream logic and we were headed for a very disappointing end. (I also pondered why the "it was all a dream" ending is so frustrating. It comes down to this. Viewers like to believe that they are only getting part of the story, that the characters lives began before the curtain rose and will continue after the curtain falls. The "it was all a dream" end says "fuck you, it was only a movie. That guy isn't even real.") This is when I created the Lost Amendment:

Good sci-fi must establish rules and mysteries cannot be maintained indefinitely.

The third rule was inspired by an interview with the creators of Stargate SG-1 wherein they discuss making a mistake in an episode in season one. They had a situation where they needed to hide a body (Haven't we all?) and they couldn't find a solution. So, they gave one of their weapons the ability to make things disintegrate. They, then, spent the next decade writing around the fact that one of the most common objects in their universe could make shit disappear. In retrospect, they could have built a door on the set and shoved the body in a closet. This is the Stargate Proviso:

Establish new rules only when absolutely necessary. (Or don't use a ray gun when a closet will do.)

The fourth and final rule is closely related to the third and comes from Robert Justman, one of the original Star Trek producers. He said [paraphrased] about the series "we learned to only ask the audience to believe one incredible thing was true per episode. We got in trouble when we asked to audience to believe too many things at once." This is the Star Trek Addendum:

Create as few rules as possible.

And that brings us back to Pacific Rim. By the end of the trailer, Pacific Rim has already asked you to believe there are giant rampaging alien monsters under the Pacific Ocean, we can and do build giant robot monsters to fight them, and two peoples minds can and must be linked together to drive these giant robots. Pacific Rim asks too much, too fast. It is a violation of the Star Trek Addendum. The linking of the minds is also an apparent violation of the Stargate Proviso as it seems unnecessary in the trailer; however, it is critical to the plot and fully explored in the movie, so I will let the film off the hook for this point. But, the Star Trek Addendum violations cannot be ignored. In addition to the three incredible things in the trailer, Pacific Rim wants you to believe dinosaurs were the first wave of Kaiju*, we can build Jaegers with present day tech, Kaiju have a hive mind*, Kaiju get here through an inter-dimensional portal from another universe, despite vast morphological variability all Kaiju have identical DNA*, and there is such a thing as international cooperation.

[*Also a violation of the Stargate Proviso.]

Spock's Brain! That's a lot to ask in under two and a half hours! But here's the weird part, it works. Because Guillermo del Toro is awesome. I've been a fan del Toro since I saw him transform a weak plot into a better than average film in Hellboy II: The Golden Army and while Pacific Rim wasn't as good as that film, the trailer suggested something that could have been terrible made into something pretty good.

To play us out, let's bring in the Blue Oyster Cult. Now with 30% less cowbell!

Star Trek- Vulcans Need Not Apply

These are the voyages of the Blogship No Spoiler Tags. It's two year mission to seek out Star Trek. New episodes and movies. To boldly go where I've pretty much already been before.

Translation: I recently finished watching Star Trek, every movie, every episode, every series, even though I've pretty much seen all of them before. It has taken me more than two years.

During this quest through hundreds of hours of Starfleet footage, a disturbing trend of racial discrimination has emerged. Starfleet, a supposed meritocracy, has, for more than a century and across at least two universes, engaged in favoritism in the hiring and promotion of humans at the expense of non-human races, typically Vulcans. Some of the most egregious examples of discrimination occurred in J. J. Abrams' Star Trek. But first, a discussion about time travel.

In Star Trek: First Contact, the Borg travel through time to prevent Zefram Cochran from breaking the warp barrier. They damage the Phoenix and during the repairs Geordi discovers that the ship was flawed an incapable of breaking the warp barrier. With the help of the Enterprise, the Phoenix makes it's fateful voyage and the Federation is born. Thus, by trying to prevent the first warp flight by humans, the Borg actually made it happen. This is known as the Picard Paradox. I now offer the Abrams Addendum. Following Nero's intervention, including the destruction of Vulcan, Picard's Enterprise could not exist in the Abrams universe; however, the Abrams universe could not exist unless Picard had traveled through time to help Zefram Cochran.

Now, a musical interlude. This one goes out to you, J. J....

 

Back to racism.

When Captain Pike first meets Jim Kirk, he has just finished sexually harassing one cadet and starting a fight with five others. Pike immediately says he could be a Starfleet officer in four years and a captain in eight. Three years later, Cadet Kirk is about to be expelled from Starfleet Academy for an act of academic dishonesty. Meanwhile, Commander Spock is already a distinguished officer. Cadet Kirk then proceeds to stowaway on a Starfleet vessel during a crisis situation. He is put off the ship for gross insubordination. He then illegally boards the Enterprise for a second time and commits an act of mutiny. Following the resolution of the Nero crisis, Cadet Kirk is promoted to captain and retains command of the most advanced vessel in Starfleet. This promotion bypasses hundreds of non-human candidates, including Commander Spock, with better qualifications, more experience and far better disciplinary records.

Jumping over to the other universe, we find an Enterprise with a crew compliment of over 400. Despite the fact that the Federation consists of numerous worlds, the Enterprise has a non-human component of one-half. (That's half a person, not half the crew.) This crewmember must endure constant ridicule and racial slurs from his shipmates. This flagrant racism is made even worse by the fact that his captain is frequently the instigator of these acts of discrimination.

Moving ahead about 75 years, we find that the situation has improved slightly, but Starfleet is still over 50% human. Many of the races in the Federation, including Vulcans, are much longer lived than humans, so assuming Starfleet is a meritocracy the higher ranks should be filled with non-human races; however, the reality is that the vast majority of the personnel ranked commander and above are human. Some case studies in discrimination:

• Lt. Commander Dax, a Trill, has nearly 400 years worth of experience; however, she is forced to serve as third in command on a remote space station. She is demoted at least twice for no other reason than advancing in her natural life cycle. These advancements in her life cycle make her no less capable of performing her duties, in fact, they vastly increase her overall experience. She currently serves under a human who was her subordinate officer during a previous phase of her life cycle.
• A Vulcan captain, in hopes of proving the worthiness of his race, assembles an all Vulcan crew. During the Dominion War, this segregated crew is constantly given the most dangerous assignments.
• Starfleet approves the vivisection of an Android officer against his will and ignoring potential long-term medical consequences. Approval is made on the grounds that the officer is not a person and the property of Starfleet.
• Lt. Commander Tuvak, a Vulcan, has about 75 years of experience in Starfleet. He has been repeatedly sited for his exemplary service, but he has not risen above third officer on a minor vessel. Following the death of the ship's second officer (a human), Commander Hasonelineinthepilot, Lt. Commander Tuvak is the natural fit to replace him given his current position and the lack of available replacement personal. However, the promotion goes instead to a human, a human with no official rank in Starfleet who is currently wanted for treason. After five years on the ship a human officer, Ensign Kim, laments that the ship's situation has robbed him of any promotion opportunities while those he graduated with from Starfleet Academy are now beginning to reach lieutenant commander. So, a human officer expects to achieve a rank in five years which a Vulcan cannot move past in seventy-five.

Luckily, we have had laws like the Voting Rights Act to prevent such discrimination.

Das Boot- A Viewer's Log

6:30 PM: As I prepare to embark on this journey through Das Boot, I am filled with trepidation. Never one to back down from a challenge, I am taking on the Director's Cut with a full hour of additional footage. (Because how could you possibly tell a story in a mere two and a half hours.) This voyage will take me past 10PM isolated from every word of English I know and love. Will I survive? And if I do will I still be the same man? Probably, I'm just watching a movie.

6:33PM: Very few films a bold enough to begin with a golden shower.

6:45PM: An indiscriminate shooting. Finally, something an American audience can relate to.

6:50PM: We get a tour of the ship. It's nice, but I was really hoping for something with a larger kitchen. We're going to move on to the next place on the list. Oh, this is the only place available. There sure are a lot of roommates. Strange, too. Do they always pile on top of each other like that?

7:00PM: Have irrepressible urge for ice cream. Pause film.

7:10PM: Our first contact with the enemy. Let's sink those English swine.

7:11PM: Hey wait a minute, these guys are Nazi bastards. Kill 'em all.

7:14PM: No, don't hurt these brave soldiers of the glorious Fatherland, you limey bitches.

7:20PM: Begin to wonder if I will put any music in this post. Realize I know four songs with submarine in the title. Seems high for such an esoteric object. Decide that The Lumineers have the most appropriate song. First song from this century used on No Spoiler Tags. Also first local music.

7:30PM: This movie is riveting. As in there are rivets flying through the air trying to kill everyone. Also it's suspenseful and compelling.

7:40PM: We are getting very familiar with the crew of this sub. Begin to think that the purpose of this film is to humanize people we traditionally consider the enemy. Maybe not everyone who fights on the other side of a war is evil. Maybe some of them are just people defending their homes. Maybe some of them don't even agree with their country's leadership. Nah, too crazy.

8:10PM: Phone rings. Pause film. It's a survey about movies. Hang up. Like I'm going to give my opinions about movies to strangers.

8:20PM: Burn the crew of a merchant ship to death. (Fucking Nazi bastards.)  Feel really sorry about it.

8:40PM: We are really getting tossed around by this storm. Why don't we dive to get underneath it?

8:42PM: We dive to get underneath it.

8:50PM: Lots of German sailor ass. Endearing German sailor ass.

8:55PM: Assholes at headquarters order us through the Strait of Gibraltar. This won't go well.

9:10PM: This isn't going well.

9:15PM: KABOOM! Surround sound is awesome.

9:20PM: Um-Ba-Ba-Bay.

9:25PM: Torrents of rushing water. Pause film. Torrents of rushing water.

9:30PM: Finally, we get to watch those Nazis drown like the fucking rats they are.

9:40PM: What? They aren't going to drown. Good drowning too quick for them. Let's see them asphyxiate knowing they are helpless to save themselves.

9:55PM: Yes, those noble men of the U-92 are getting off the ocean floor. They are a true inspiration to all of Germany.

9:59PM: And they will evade the English. Yes, they will make it back to port.

10:00PM: Swastikas and Gothic lettering. Hey, I think those guys speaking German riding a U-boat are Nazis. Fuck those guys.

10:02PM: The RAF fucks those guys.

10:05PM: The crew thinking they had reached safety after months of constant danger are now dying. And as the captain takes his last breath, watching the conning tower of his beloved ship which he and his crew had fought so hard to raise from its presumptive watery grave submerge for the last time into what was believed to be a safe harbor, we are reminded of the futility of war.

Star Trek Into Darkness- I Feel Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan'd

Recently something incredible has come to Denver. It is called the Alamo Drafthouse and it is the best way to watch a movie short of a Hollywood premiere. Alamo Drafthouse has been operating for decades in Austin, but recently they have been branching out across the country. If you've got one near you, you owe it to yourself to go. They serve food and drink in the theater, they have a very strict "No talking" policy, and show strange, obscure and relevant clips before the film. But what makes the Alamo Drafthouse really amazing are the special events they do on a regular basis. The last two times I went to the Drafthouse I saw comedic versions of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. The first time it was with live MST3K-style commentary by the very funny guys of Mile-Hi Sci-Fi. More recently I saw ~*~StAr TrEk InTo DaRkNeSs~*~.

The movie's title is derived from the 50% of the screen which was not covered in lens flare. J.J. Abrams is known for his "distinctive" directorial style where buries the film under this annoying effect which modern cameras were specifically made to prevent because no one wants to see it. So it's great to hear that Abrams is attached to direct the next installment of an iconic sci-fi franchise, where the characters swing around blades made of light.

The opening sequence of the movie leads to Spock fighting with Kirk about violating Starfleet General Order Number 1, better known as the Prime Directive which states:

As the right of each sentient species to live in accordance with its normal cultural evolution is considered sacred, no Star Fleet personnel may interfere with the normal and healthy development of alien life and culture. Such interference includes introducing superior knowledge, strength, or technology to a world whose society is incapable of handling such advantages wisely. Star Fleet personnel may not violate this Prime Directive, even to save their lives and/or their ship, unless they are acting to right an earlier violation or an accidental contamination of said culture. This directive takes precedence over any and all other considerations, and carries with it the highest moral obligation.

In this sequence, Spock uses super-advanced technology to prevent the extinction of a species, but Kirk allows the native population a brief glimpse of the Enterprise. So according to Spock's detailed legalistic mind, saving a species from extinction in a natural disaster equals non-interference, but a UFO sighting (which have always been treated with credibility and respect here on Earth) is a grave violation of all that Starfleet stands for.

The problems with star TREK into DARKNESS really began when the Enterprise got to Kronos. In the original series, Klingons looked a lot like Vulcans with mustaches. When the movies came out, Klingons got their Worf-esque make-over. Then the series Enterprise had a storyline where the Klingons were infected by a virus which cleared up the inconsistency, it was a stupid explanation, it had to be, but it resolved the problem. When Klingons appeared in Star Trek Into Darkness, they were wearing masks, a brilliant compromise, and then one of the Klingons removed his mask. The face behind the mask was not the Vulcan-esque vestige from the original series, which would have fit best with the series timeline, nor did we see the later Worfish appearance, but a third face we have not seen before. This implies that time-traveling Romulans can incidentally change the genetic traits of an entire species. Furthermore, we find out that the Romulans race altering powers can reach back in time about 200 years before the point they traveled back to magically transforming Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan from Indian to white.

At the end of Star Trek, Old Spock told Young Spock that the world was different now and that they would experience a whole new set of adventures. J.J. Abrams wasn't listening. Because once Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan joins the cast, the movie became a series of increasingly annoying, obvious, and unwelcome homages to Wrath of Khan with Kirk taking Spock's place of climbing into the reactor and then having the same dying conversation in reverse. By the time, Spock yells "Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan" I was dreading Star Trek III: The Search for Kirk. (Kirk came back to life because Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan is Wolverine now, too.)

Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, the super-genius who defeated thousands of other super-geniuses, to conquer a third of Asia during the Eugenics Wars was beaten by a move out of the Bugs Bunny playbook. 

Khan: Give me the torpedoes. 

Spock: *Snicker* Please, don't hurt us in our severely crippled vessel with your superior ship in perfect working order. *Chuckle* We'll give you the torpedoes. *Giggle*

[Spock beams over the torpedoes which immediately blow up and destroy Khan's ship.]

There is one bit of inconsistency introduced in STar TRek INto DArkNEss that I actually like. Finally, after the death of thousands of crewmembers, Starfleet has installed seatbelts on one of its ships. Now, if they would just stop putting explosives in all their consoles.

Strangers on a Train- The Surgeon General Warns That Smoking May Be Hazardous To Your Health

Can I bum a smoke? Care for a light? Would you like a cigarette? These may be the most dangerous questions in cinematic history. Hundreds have died (fictionally) from smoking related causes, not from cancer like actual people die from but from the conversations which begin with the socializing aspects of smoking. Case exemplar: Strangers on a Train.

When Bruno meets Guy, he is quick to offer a cigarette and Guy replies by pulling out his lighter. And Bruno uses the lettering on the lighter to steer the conversation towards murder. Bruno flicks a light before strangling Miriam. And the key piece of evidence that Guy can't let Bruno plant, leading to the death of no less than two more people (including Bruno): that same monogrammed lighter.

Of course deadly smoking is not limited to Strangers on a Train, it was a staple of film noir. When the fem fatal entered the private dick's office, she would always have a cigarette at the end of a long holder. Why? What made smoking so key to these films?

Well, for one thing, "Hey, buddy, got a light?" is a great way to start a conversation with a total stranger. There really is nothing like it since smoking has fallen out of style. Lighting a smoke for a lady has given many a fictional man an excuse to chat her up and in a matter of seconds they are sharing something and sitting close together.

Then, there is the villainous appearance of smoking. A woman conjurers flames like a witch. A man blows smoke out of his mouth like a dragon. Even in the era when on-screen smokers included elegant ladies and dashing gentlemen, smoking had a slightly evil look.

It's also worth pointing out that the era of film noir was also when doctors started saying smoking might not be too good for you. It took a few decades before everyone came around, but even when this movie was made there was already a growing anti-smoking sentiment. And, there has always been a feeling that those smoke excessively do so out of some defect in their character.

Also, smoke looks awesome in black and white.

Getting back to Strangers on a Train, Detective Hennessey should be dismissed from the police force and brought up on charges. Hennessey's assignment is to follow Guy which he fails to do a critical juncture when Guy goes to Bruno's place. A serious mistake, but a result of Guy's minimal cunning.  (He left out the back window?! Who could have seen that coming?!) Far more troubling were Hennessey's actions at the amusement park. After spotting Guy, who is the chief suspect in a murder but whose guilt is far from certain, walking briskly away from him and onto a device which by its very nature will take him slowly in a circle, he says "Stop!" at a moderate volume and before waiting to see if Guy would stop or even if he heard him over the din of the park, he fires a terribly aimed shot into a dense crowd of civilians. His bullet kills an innocent bystander and results in the merry-go-round spinning violently out of control. This leads directly to at least one additional death, who knows how many injuries, and significant property damage. (Side note: That merry-go-round was not very well designed.) Outside of the deliberately criminal, this may be the worst decision in the long history of horrible cinematic police work.

[Editor's Note: No Spoiler Tags reminds you that conspiring with a stranger to commit a murder for one another is illegal and wiggity-wiggity-wiggity-wack.]

Django Unchained- Geography 101

Hollywood has never gotten very good grades in geography (not that America would notice), but Quentin Tarantino has failed the subject and will be forced to repeat it next year. Django (is) Unchained from little things like demographics, distances, and biospheres. Let's take a look a just how far Django goes to recuse his beloved Broomhilda.

The opening scene of the movie is set "somewhere in Texas". It is grassy and moderately wooded. Context clues place them 37 miles west of Daugherty, Texas, which is in the far western part of the state, and one of the slavers requests to be taken to a doctor in El Paso, confirming the west Texas locale. (Although, El Paso is not close enough to help that guy.) However, here is a photo I took of the only tree within 300 miles of that town. Note, also the lack of grass.

At this point, Django is at the end of a long, oddly well feed forced march from Greenville, Mississippi, an approximate 900 mile oddly well feed forced march to be more specific. They were probably walking them about 20 miles a day, (It's not possible to march people much faster. Not, if you want to keep them alive.) which makes this walk about 45 days long. But the real mystery is, where were they going? Although slavery was legal throughout Texas at the time, it really wasn't very popular in the western part and the state was (and is) virtually unpopulated west of a line roughly marked in modern times by I-35. In other words, if the slave traders wanted to make money, they probably walked about 500 miles to far.

Leaving Texas, Django and Dr. Schultz head to Tennessee. (If the location, was more specific I didn't catch it.) This is a trip of about 1,200 miles. Even if you ignore all the times Susan gets dysentery, (Susan has died.) a wagon can only travel about 30 miles a day. This puts this segment of the trip at about 40 days.

Next, Django and Dr. Schultz decide to spend a lovely winter in the mountains killing white people. But, they don't go to the nearby Appalachians. The mountains they go to are far too, well, rocky.

This part of the movie was shot in Wyoming. Further indication of this western journey is evidenced by the presence of buffalo which were never very common east of the Mississippi River and almost certainly locally extinct in the Appalachians by 1858. This segment of the trip would go a little bit faster with the wagon blown up, but horses can still only go about 40 miles a day. And, at around 1,600 miles the trip to the Grand Tetons (or Big Tits, to any horny French trappers reading) would take in the neighborhood of another 40 days (or instantaneous in movie time).

Returning to Greenville, Mississippi means another (instantaneous) 1,600 miles and 40 days. This makes Django's odyssey about 5,300 miles long with a travel time of 5-6 months. A round trip that looks something like this.

As for the movie, I really loved everything, up until the end of this long trip. However, I felt it became very uneven after they arrived in Candie Land and, much like in Inglorious Basterds [sic], Tarantino's hyper violent revenge based ending felt tacked on, unwelcome, and unfitting of all that had proceeded it.

My initial thought was that all this travel was really not possible in the movie's timeframe, but after doing the math, I have to conclude that it's possible, but grueling and improbable. Calculating the distances actually strengthens the love story at the center of Django Unchained and gives Tarantino an unintentional level of depth. The Proclaimers would be proud of Django for quintupling their sentiment.