Previously on No Spoiler Tags, I described Santa Claus thusly, "Santa is a fat, old man who hangs out at malls encouraging children to sit on his lap and tell him secrets. He watches them when they sleep, he keeps detailed lists of everything they do, and if he likes what he sees, he breaks into their house to give them presents. I think he lives at the North Pole so he doesn't have any neighbors to notify." The Santa Clause takes the innate horror that is Santa to a whole other level.
In this movie, we find out that Santa is not an immortal deity, but is in fact a composite character like the Dread Pirate Roberts composed of hundreds of individuals over the centuries. So, how is the new Santa chosen. Is it a inherited post? Is it the man who most embodies the Christmas spirit? No, it's whoever kills the previous Santa and takes his clothes. The Santa Clause is like Highlander, kill the immortal and take his power. Now we know why no one ever sees him. Santa is paranoid that everyone is packing shotguns and laying in wait to take him out.
In one scene, Tim Allen is sitting on a park bench and then dozens of kids show up to tell him what they want for Christmas. Apparently, Santa is also the Pied Piper. There are many people who would kill to have this and the rest of Santa's powers. Curiously, they are exactly the same people who really should not have his powers.
Sleep tight kids, Santa Claus is coming to town, drenched in the blood of the three previous Santas which were murdered tonight.
P.S: To any kids reading who might have been frightened by this post remember Santa Claus is an elaborate lie constructed by a massive conspiracy which includes your parents, your teachers, marketing executives, and the media. And why have your parents been lying to you your entire life? It's because they don't really love you. So to recap: Santa doesn't exist which is good because if he did he'd be a murdering pedophile, everyone is lying to you and your parents secretly hate you. Merry Christmas!
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