Godzilla- Oh, No. They Say He's Got to Go.

First of all, I'd like to congratulate the makers of Godzilla for making a movie about three giant monsters fighting and knocking down buildings into the most boring movie ever featured on No Spoiler Tags. A list which includes a film about statistical analysis for the optimization of personal assets, two plodding spy dramas, two silent films, a movie based on a novel written by a guy who just wanted to try out these cool new languages he invented and a documentary about collecting office supplies. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to suck all of the fun and excitement out of such an inherently cool topic, but by Godzilla, they did it.

Up next on the No Spoiler Tags awards: Best City to Destroy. Washington D.C., Paris and Tokyo are out of the running. They have been done to the death of millions. New York City is a timeless classic which never grows old. Wreck anything in London built after 1900 and you're doing the world a favor. Not exactly the goal of your horrific rampage. Las Vegas is an interesting up and comer. Where else can you destroy the Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty, the Great Pyramids and the Space Needle in a single day? And the winner is...San Fransisco. Whether you're a natural disaster, a natural disaster which is really man's fault, a giant monster, from outer space or a giant monster from outer space, with such great structures as the Golden Gate Bridge, the TransAmerica Building and, of course, Starfleet Headquarters, when you're looking to level a city, this lovely seaside metropolis is the perfect place to go.

According to the trailers, this movie is about Bryan Cranston yelling, Godzilla and jumping out of a plane from an absurd altitude. In reality, Heisenberg did not make it past the film's fifteen minute mark, the HALO jump was shorter in the movie than the trailer and the two MUTOs which weren't in the trailer got more screen time than the King of All Monsters.

The reason they have to HALO jump is because the MUTOs can knock out electronics in a 200 mile radius. It must have been difficult to find a plane which could get them to this altitude as it is 100 miles above the atmosphere.

Suspension bridges work by bearing load of the road deck on a series of high tension cables. If a giant monster were to snap one of the main support cables, what would happen? If you answered, it would immediately crash into the ocean, you are correct. If you said, it would remain relatively unharmed until the non-load bearing road deck was damaged, you made this movie.

Godzilla and the MUTOs are explained as natural, prehistoric creatures which evolved in a more radioactive period in Earth's history. As natural creatures, they should obey natural laws. Chief among these is that animals are lazy. They do as little work for as much reward as possible. Which is to say if Godzilla went through all the trouble to chase the MUTO across the entire fucking Pacific and then fighting and killing two of them, it would, at least, eat them before he vanishes into the ocean. Also, a solo predator would not intentionally pursue a creature as large or larger than itself which also exhibits pack behavior.

I am very glad I followed the rules of 3D and saw this 3D convert in 2D. It was very dark in 2D. In 3D, they might as well not have even turned the projector on.

Right now, I really regret using the Blue Oyster Cult on Pacific Rim last year. So to close us out, here's Johnny Cash singing about subduction zones around the Pacific Plate.