I went into Mission: Impossible- Ghost Protocol expecting to see impossible physics, cars that explode in a stiff breeze, insanely complex technology with limited functionality, and other common ways action movies distort reality, but had this movie any relation to reality it would have been five minutes long. It is the sworn duty of this blog to call out Hollywood when it finds new and unusual ways to bend the laws of reality, so let's chat about some of the more inexplicable moments in the film.
Just to be clear, I don't mind when movies mess with reality in general. After all, almost all films take place in some form of alternate reality even if it's just that Random Character B exists. For example, there is a scene where Ethan and Brandt are trapped in an underwater car with bullets raining down from above. A common movie trope, which is Mythbusters certified confirmed, holds that diving underwater will protect you from bullets. And in reality, that pocket of air in the car would soon fill with water. However, without both of these elements the scene does not work and I can do my best to ignore these issues. In some ways, it is the more subtle ways that movie reality is distorted which bugs me more.
For example, the passenger elevators at the Burj Dubai apparently stop at every floor. The IMF team delays the bad guys by making it look like someone had hit the call button on the lower floors. Anyone who has ever worked in a decently tall building knows that not every elevator goes to every floor. If they did, the ride up to the 119th floor would take a mind-numbingly long time as the elevator stops for every press along the way. And, God-forbid, some brat hit every button on the way out the door. No, an elevator servicing the 119th floor would not stop on the 24th. There probably isn't even a door that could open on that floor for that elevator.
In one scene, Carter is pretending to be a bad girl selling nuclear launch code to a bad guy and Benji comes in pretending to be a bellhop. Now, I'm willing to accept that Carter and Benji have deceived said bad guy into believing who they claim to be, but why would bad guy and bad girl exchange diamonds for nuclear secrets in front of a bellhop? Nothing to see here. Just two people trading a bag of jewels for mysterious documents in a briefcase. Move along. No reason to be suspicious.
And, why is no one in Dubai prepared for a common atmospheric phenomenon like a sandstorm. Thanks to a helpful countdown clock, we know that the sandstorm was easily visible at least 26 minutes, and probably more like a full hour, before it finally hit. But, still everyone is still outside and the roads are crowded like they were caught by surprise.
At one point, the team must gain control of a server to save the world and the only way to get access to it is to jump into a magnetic safety net. I am willing to accept that there is an electromagnet powerful enough to stop a man in chain mail armor after a twenty-five foot fall and suspend him ten feet above said magnet and that this device is small enough and light enough to fit on that tiny robot, but what I will not accept is that such a strong moving magnetic field would not wipe out all the data on the server thus rendering the magnetic flying moot.
Hendricks believes that for the long term good of humanity, a lot a people need to die. And really, who can argue with that? I've often thought mass genocide would be a great thing for the species. But when the terrorist has complete control of the Russian nuclear arsenal, he only chooses to launch a single missile. He has the power to launch thousands of missiles and guarantee the war he wants, but he only uses one of them. Nuclear missiles are like potato chips. You can't launch just one. Use of a single nuclear weapon will inevitably lead to the use of them all. That was the entire concept of the Cold War. In fact, the only way using a single nuclear weapon on a nuclear armed country makes sense is if you are deliberately trying to trigger a nuclear war. The use of a single weapon points to nuclear terrorism rather than a sanctioned act of government. Thus, making a counter-strike unlikely.
But the real problem with the movie is the premise itself. A week or two before Hendricks ever launches a missile, the IMF knows that the Russian launch codes have been stolen. Why did no one just pick up the phone and tell them that their codes have been compromised? The could have done it right at the beginning, before the Kremlin blew up. Or really anytime throughout the film. Even if they don't really believe them, it would be foolish not to change them. Or maybe they did call and it went something like this...
IMF Agent: Hey, did you know some dude stole your nuclear launch codes? It might be a good idea to change them.
Russian General: Well, we would but my cousin Vladimir is out on a camping trip, way out of cell range. He's really good with computer stuff and no one else knows how to change them. He'll be back in two weeks.
IMF Agent: Oh, I see. Could you at least notify your commanders that your codes have been compromised?
Russian General: That would be so embarrassing.
IMF Agent: Yeah, I guess you're right. Well, let's hope no one tries to blow up the world in the next two weeks.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
The Santa Clause- The No Spoiler Tags Christmas Special
Previously on No Spoiler Tags, I described Santa Claus thusly, "Santa is a fat, old man who hangs out at malls encouraging children to sit on his lap and tell him secrets. He watches them when they sleep, he keeps detailed lists of everything they do, and if he likes what he sees, he breaks into their house to give them presents. I think he lives at the North Pole so he doesn't have any neighbors to notify." The Santa Clause takes the innate horror that is Santa to a whole other level.
In this movie, we find out that Santa is not an immortal deity, but is in fact a composite character like the Dread Pirate Roberts composed of hundreds of individuals over the centuries. So, how is the new Santa chosen. Is it a inherited post? Is it the man who most embodies the Christmas spirit? No, it's whoever kills the previous Santa and takes his clothes. The Santa Clause is like Highlander, kill the immortal and take his power. Now we know why no one ever sees him. Santa is paranoid that everyone is packing shotguns and laying in wait to take him out.
In one scene, Tim Allen is sitting on a park bench and then dozens of kids show up to tell him what they want for Christmas. Apparently, Santa is also the Pied Piper. There are many people who would kill to have this and the rest of Santa's powers. Curiously, they are exactly the same people who really should not have his powers.
Sleep tight kids, Santa Claus is coming to town, drenched in the blood of the three previous Santas which were murdered tonight.
P.S: To any kids reading who might have been frightened by this post remember Santa Claus is an elaborate lie constructed by a massive conspiracy which includes your parents, your teachers, marketing executives, and the media. And why have your parents been lying to you your entire life? It's because they don't really love you. So to recap: Santa doesn't exist which is good because if he did he'd be a murdering pedophile, everyone is lying to you and your parents secretly hate you. Merry Christmas!
In this movie, we find out that Santa is not an immortal deity, but is in fact a composite character like the Dread Pirate Roberts composed of hundreds of individuals over the centuries. So, how is the new Santa chosen. Is it a inherited post? Is it the man who most embodies the Christmas spirit? No, it's whoever kills the previous Santa and takes his clothes. The Santa Clause is like Highlander, kill the immortal and take his power. Now we know why no one ever sees him. Santa is paranoid that everyone is packing shotguns and laying in wait to take him out.
In one scene, Tim Allen is sitting on a park bench and then dozens of kids show up to tell him what they want for Christmas. Apparently, Santa is also the Pied Piper. There are many people who would kill to have this and the rest of Santa's powers. Curiously, they are exactly the same people who really should not have his powers.
Sleep tight kids, Santa Claus is coming to town, drenched in the blood of the three previous Santas which were murdered tonight.
P.S: To any kids reading who might have been frightened by this post remember Santa Claus is an elaborate lie constructed by a massive conspiracy which includes your parents, your teachers, marketing executives, and the media. And why have your parents been lying to you your entire life? It's because they don't really love you. So to recap: Santa doesn't exist which is good because if he did he'd be a murdering pedophile, everyone is lying to you and your parents secretly hate you. Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Murder in the First- Any Resemblance to Any Person Living or Dead is Purely Coincidental
Murder in the First is a film about a prisoner held in solitary confinement for more than three years. Driven insane by inhumane treatment, the prisoner, Henry Young, commits a murder immediately following his release from solitary. While based on a true story, many facts were changed and dramatized in the movie version. On a completely unrelated note, since 2001, the United States government has detained 775 people in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba and many more prisoners in numerous other facilities around the world.
Henry Young was kept in a cramped cell, beaten, cut, and isolated from the world for three years. When word of Young's treatment became public, Alcatraz officials were punished for their actions. Numerous accusations from numerous sources including the UN, Amnesty International, the Red Cross, FBI agents, and former detainees have leaved charges including sleep deprivation, beatings, and confinement in cramped or painful positions for lengthy periods of time. The Eight Amendment of the Constitution bars the use of "cruel and unusual punishments," an unfortunate conjunction as it appears that cruel punishments are permissible as long as they are done frequently.
Henry Young was originally sent to Alcatraz for stealing $5, which even in 1938, was hardly a crime worthy incarceration in the toughest prison in the country. However, he was still more guilty than the many Gitmo detainees, according to Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson who in a sworn statement said that the majority of detainees initially sent there were innocent and that top officials including the President were aware of that fact.
As the trial swung in Young's favor, he wanted to accept a guilty plea and the death penalty rather than returning to Alcatraz to serve out time for a lesser charge. In 2005, a number of hunger striking detainees were force fed through feeding tubes. One of the prisoners sued to have the feeding tube removed so he could be allowed to die.
After being convicted on a lesser charge, Henry Young returns to Alcatraz only to mysteriously die a short time later. Similar mystery surrounds the deaths of three Gitmo detainees in 2006.
You may believe that all of this is in the past, but in March of this year President Obama formalized the "legal" practice of indefinite detention without charges and in December the Senate passed 93-7 a bill which included a prevision allowing indefinite detention without charges of prisoners arrested on American soil, including American citizens. [Update: That's a law now.] And the Patriot Act has only expanded under the Obama administration. The day that the First, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, and Eighth Amendments became meaningless is the day we lost the War on Terror.
Henry Young was held indefinitely in inhumane conditions and was only released from them because another prison official began to ask questions and would not let the issue rest. Since the election of President Obama, who promised to close the facility by the end of 2009, the issue of indefinite detention has been largely ignored. However, as of May 2011, 171 prisoners remain in detention at Guantanamo Bay and Secretary of Defense Gates has stated that "the prospects of closing [the facility] are at best very, very low." It is long past time that we stand up for human rights and demand closure of US secret prisons. We must not continue to ignore this issue.
Henry Young was kept in a cramped cell, beaten, cut, and isolated from the world for three years. When word of Young's treatment became public, Alcatraz officials were punished for their actions. Numerous accusations from numerous sources including the UN, Amnesty International, the Red Cross, FBI agents, and former detainees have leaved charges including sleep deprivation, beatings, and confinement in cramped or painful positions for lengthy periods of time. The Eight Amendment of the Constitution bars the use of "cruel and unusual punishments," an unfortunate conjunction as it appears that cruel punishments are permissible as long as they are done frequently.
Henry Young was originally sent to Alcatraz for stealing $5, which even in 1938, was hardly a crime worthy incarceration in the toughest prison in the country. However, he was still more guilty than the many Gitmo detainees, according to Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson who in a sworn statement said that the majority of detainees initially sent there were innocent and that top officials including the President were aware of that fact.
As the trial swung in Young's favor, he wanted to accept a guilty plea and the death penalty rather than returning to Alcatraz to serve out time for a lesser charge. In 2005, a number of hunger striking detainees were force fed through feeding tubes. One of the prisoners sued to have the feeding tube removed so he could be allowed to die.
After being convicted on a lesser charge, Henry Young returns to Alcatraz only to mysteriously die a short time later. Similar mystery surrounds the deaths of three Gitmo detainees in 2006.
You may believe that all of this is in the past, but in March of this year President Obama formalized the "legal" practice of indefinite detention without charges and in December the Senate passed 93-7 a bill which included a prevision allowing indefinite detention without charges of prisoners arrested on American soil, including American citizens. [Update: That's a law now.] And the Patriot Act has only expanded under the Obama administration. The day that the First, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, and Eighth Amendments became meaningless is the day we lost the War on Terror.
Henry Young was held indefinitely in inhumane conditions and was only released from them because another prison official began to ask questions and would not let the issue rest. Since the election of President Obama, who promised to close the facility by the end of 2009, the issue of indefinite detention has been largely ignored. However, as of May 2011, 171 prisoners remain in detention at Guantanamo Bay and Secretary of Defense Gates has stated that "the prospects of closing [the facility] are at best very, very low." It is long past time that we stand up for human rights and demand closure of US secret prisons. We must not continue to ignore this issue.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban- Harry Potter and the Turner of Time
This is my third post about the Potter series. In my first post about the last film, I earned the ire of Potterheads (or would have if anyone was reading this) by pointing out some serious flaws in The Deathly Hallows. In my last post about the first film, I tried to earn them back by discussing the brilliance of J. K. Rowling's writing style. In my third post about the third film, I will give back any good will I may have earned by relentlessly harping on about the greatest flaw in the Harry Potter series: the introduction of the Time Turner.
Rowling painted herself into a bit of a corner during Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and like many sci-fi writers she decided that the best way to get out of it was a little time travel. The problem is that even in a world where everyone can do virtually anything they want by muttering a few words time travel is a really powerful weapon. Most writers make sure that after the time mischief is managed that the time travel devise is lost or destroyed or that the method of time travel is so difficult to keep it from being overused. But Rowling doesn't do any of these things, so we are left to believe that throughout the series, through all the awful events that occur, there is a device somewhere in Hogwarts capable of transporting at least two people back in time and that no one thinks to use it to change the course of events except for that one time. Was the entire cast hit with an Oblivo curse after the film? This is especially obvious and painful because, as discussed previously, every other detail in the Potter series comes back at one point or another. In this post, we will mention a few moments in the series when Dumbledore could have saved the day by reversing the day. Note: In the movie, Hermione states that McGonagall gave her the Time Turner; however, as he knew that Hermione had the device, knew how to use it, and has a habit of collecting such things, we will assume that Dumbledore is the true owner of the Time Turner.
Pre-series: Through the power of time travel, there are an innumerable ways that Dumbledore could have prevented Magical Hitler from coming into power the first time around thus saving the lives of thousands. I think my choice would have been a warning to myself that teaching that Riddle kid that he can kill people with is mind is not a good idea and letting He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named live out his true destiny as an investment banker.
Now, we don't know too much about the Time Turner. Maybe there is a limit to how far you can go back. Maybe he just got the thing right before Harry's third year at school. We know that the device can be used an unlimited number of times because the number of times Hermione used it was well into the hundreds and you don't give a thirteen year old a time travel device to do her homework if you've only got a couple of uses out of it. (Sidenote: Dumbledore had a magical object capable of altering the time-space continuum and he gave it to a thirteen year old with a history of rule-breaking so that she could do her homework. It doesn't matter how smart she is, this is a generally poor decision. Also, for an entire school year, Hermione was living ~30 hour days. Shouldn't she be dog tired and visibly aging faster than everyone else?) So to give him the benefit of the doubt and because nothing really irreversibly bad happened in the first two films, we'll skip ahead to The Goblet of Fire.
The Goblet of Fire- As soon as, Harry's name came out of the cup it was recognized to be a powerful act of dark magic sure to end poorly. How 'bout going back and watching the goblet to catch the Death Eater that did it? Oh, and remember that scene when Voldemort came back to life and killed that kid? Transporting a small army back in time could have helped there.
The Order of the Phoenix- At the battle at the Ministry, a bunch of Death Eaters get away, Sirius dies and as a result they lose their headquarters. A strategic defeat all around. And because all of this happens at the Ministry of Magic, Dumbledore doesn't even have to lift a wand to stop all of this. A warning owl that a bunch of escaped cons are heading to their way and the Ministry rounds up the lot turning the fight into a key defeat for Voldemort. I know Dumbledore and the Minster are not exactly getting along at this point in the series, but he'd be a complete fool not to increase security under a very specific warning.
The Half-Blood Prince- If I was Dumbledore about this time, I'd pay my younger self a visit carrying a copy of The Lord of the Rings and remind myself that it's not a good decision to try on a ring containing part of the soul of the Dark Lord, then Snape wouldn't have to kill me.
The Deathly Hallows- There's nothing Dumbledore can do now. Because he's dead. Because Snape killed him.
As this is the last post I will do on the Potter films, here is my ranking of the series.
1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1-Pure depressing goodness from start to finish
2. Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone-Magic still seems magical in the first one
3. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire-The best ending in the series
Turner does to the series as a whole
7. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix-Flashy ending, but not much happens in this film
8. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets-Weakest source material in the series
Rowling painted herself into a bit of a corner during Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and like many sci-fi writers she decided that the best way to get out of it was a little time travel. The problem is that even in a world where everyone can do virtually anything they want by muttering a few words time travel is a really powerful weapon. Most writers make sure that after the time mischief is managed that the time travel devise is lost or destroyed or that the method of time travel is so difficult to keep it from being overused. But Rowling doesn't do any of these things, so we are left to believe that throughout the series, through all the awful events that occur, there is a device somewhere in Hogwarts capable of transporting at least two people back in time and that no one thinks to use it to change the course of events except for that one time. Was the entire cast hit with an Oblivo curse after the film? This is especially obvious and painful because, as discussed previously, every other detail in the Potter series comes back at one point or another. In this post, we will mention a few moments in the series when Dumbledore could have saved the day by reversing the day. Note: In the movie, Hermione states that McGonagall gave her the Time Turner; however, as he knew that Hermione had the device, knew how to use it, and has a habit of collecting such things, we will assume that Dumbledore is the true owner of the Time Turner.
Pre-series: Through the power of time travel, there are an innumerable ways that Dumbledore could have prevented Magical Hitler from coming into power the first time around thus saving the lives of thousands. I think my choice would have been a warning to myself that teaching that Riddle kid that he can kill people with is mind is not a good idea and letting He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named live out his true destiny as an investment banker.
Now, we don't know too much about the Time Turner. Maybe there is a limit to how far you can go back. Maybe he just got the thing right before Harry's third year at school. We know that the device can be used an unlimited number of times because the number of times Hermione used it was well into the hundreds and you don't give a thirteen year old a time travel device to do her homework if you've only got a couple of uses out of it. (Sidenote: Dumbledore had a magical object capable of altering the time-space continuum and he gave it to a thirteen year old with a history of rule-breaking so that she could do her homework. It doesn't matter how smart she is, this is a generally poor decision. Also, for an entire school year, Hermione was living ~30 hour days. Shouldn't she be dog tired and visibly aging faster than everyone else?) So to give him the benefit of the doubt and because nothing really irreversibly bad happened in the first two films, we'll skip ahead to The Goblet of Fire.
The Goblet of Fire- As soon as, Harry's name came out of the cup it was recognized to be a powerful act of dark magic sure to end poorly. How 'bout going back and watching the goblet to catch the Death Eater that did it? Oh, and remember that scene when Voldemort came back to life and killed that kid? Transporting a small army back in time could have helped there.
The Order of the Phoenix- At the battle at the Ministry, a bunch of Death Eaters get away, Sirius dies and as a result they lose their headquarters. A strategic defeat all around. And because all of this happens at the Ministry of Magic, Dumbledore doesn't even have to lift a wand to stop all of this. A warning owl that a bunch of escaped cons are heading to their way and the Ministry rounds up the lot turning the fight into a key defeat for Voldemort. I know Dumbledore and the Minster are not exactly getting along at this point in the series, but he'd be a complete fool not to increase security under a very specific warning.
The Half-Blood Prince- If I was Dumbledore about this time, I'd pay my younger self a visit carrying a copy of The Lord of the Rings and remind myself that it's not a good decision to try on a ring containing part of the soul of the Dark Lord, then Snape wouldn't have to kill me.
The Deathly Hallows- There's nothing Dumbledore can do now. Because he's dead. Because Snape killed him.
As this is the last post I will do on the Potter films, here is my ranking of the series.
1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1-Pure depressing goodness from start to finish
2. Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone-Magic still seems magical in the first one
3. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire-The best ending in the series
4. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince-The second best ending
5. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2-The battle of Hogwarts could not possibly be ruined
completely
6. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban- Ranks last when considered in light of what the TimeTurner does to the series as a whole
7. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix-Flashy ending, but not much happens in this film
8. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets-Weakest source material in the series
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone- That's Right, the Philosopher's Stone
I found out that if you order the Harry Potter Blu-Ray collection from the UK version of Amazon it's about 50% less than ordering from the American site (Thanks, terrible European economy!) and you get Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone without the stupid Sorcerer's Stone Americanization. Technically, this was a first viewing, but it has been excluded from the log as the two films vary by only a single word. So, my copy of the set arrived today and I'm beginning my return journey through the series.
In my previous discussion of the Harry Potter series, I discussed how a number of changes in the second part of the Deathly Hallows were designed to circumvent serious flaws in the source material. Now, I will try to win back the love of J. K. Rowling by praising her for something she did incredibly well throughout the series and that is embedding little bits of information that wouldn't pay off for an entire book or more. It's an amazing part of her writing style that makes me wonder how much of the series she had planned before the she ever put pen to paper. So now I present items from this movie (or the book) that don't mean much in The Philosoper's Stone, but come back big time later on.
Parceltounge- Harry has a little chat with a snake which becomes a critical plot point in The Chamber of Secrets and beyond.
Hagrid can't use magic- Hagrid briefly mentions being banned from using magic, but we have to wait for The Chamber of Secrets to find out why.
Harry's wand- Harry's wand shares a core with Voldemort's which saves his ass big time in The Goblet of Fire.
Chocolate Frog trading card- It didn't make it in the movie, but Dumbledore's battle with Grindelwald is mentioned on the way to Hogwarts. We don't hear the details about it until The Deathly Hallows. But it's really more a lover's quarrel than a battle, which is a fact which never quite came out in the books. (Pun completely intended.)
Scabbers- In the book, Ron's rat is described missing a toe. A critical fact in The Prisoner of Azkaban.
Ghosts- Introduced as a comic device in this movie, ghosts prove to be a valuable information source starting with The Chamber of Secrets.
Snape saves Harry- During the Quidditch scene, there's really no reason why Snape should have been the one to save Harry. Any of the professors could have done it. Sure, it adds an air of suspicion to his character, but Snape is so obvious as a villain that he's obviously not a villain. It's not until The Order of the Phoenix that we really get an idea of how Snape caught on to Quirrell before anyone else (there are a lot of hints beforehand) and it's not until The Deathly Hallows that we find out that Snape pledged his life to protecting Harry. Also, the snitch from that scene also returns in The Deathly Hallows and Snape kills Dumbledore. (That last part has nothing to do with the discussion at hand, it's just my job.)
The Marauder's Map- McGonagall makes a joke about Harry and Ron needing a map of Hogwarts which is a critical tool starting in The Prisoner of Azkaban.
The Voldemort/Harry Psychic Hotline- Pain from Harry's scar is a symptom of their psychic connection which doesn't become a major plot point until The Order of the Phoenix. Voldemort also appears to make a lucky guess that Harry already has the stone, but in light of latter events it might not be a guess at all.
The Invisibility Cloak- Ok, so this is a major tool from the moment it appears, but its not until The Deathly Hallows that we know why it's the best invisibility cloak in town.
The Final Horcrux- Three of the eight previously mentioned points connect Harry and Voldemort one way or another. This adds to the narrative in a number of ways throughout the series, but it also sets up the big reveal that Harry is one of Voldemort's Horcruxes in The Deathly Hallows.
I've probably missed one or seven, but that's the point Harry Potter is such a rich mythology in which every detail matters to the story as a whole. It's a remarkable feat of writing which I have only seen this effectively accomplished in two other series: The Lord of the Rings and Avatar: The Last Airbender. J. K. Rowling would certainly not forget about a one-time plot devise capable of resolving the entire central conflict of the series in under five minutes. (Sarcastic foreshadowing)
In my previous discussion of the Harry Potter series, I discussed how a number of changes in the second part of the Deathly Hallows were designed to circumvent serious flaws in the source material. Now, I will try to win back the love of J. K. Rowling by praising her for something she did incredibly well throughout the series and that is embedding little bits of information that wouldn't pay off for an entire book or more. It's an amazing part of her writing style that makes me wonder how much of the series she had planned before the she ever put pen to paper. So now I present items from this movie (or the book) that don't mean much in The Philosoper's Stone, but come back big time later on.
Parceltounge- Harry has a little chat with a snake which becomes a critical plot point in The Chamber of Secrets and beyond.
Hagrid can't use magic- Hagrid briefly mentions being banned from using magic, but we have to wait for The Chamber of Secrets to find out why.
Harry's wand- Harry's wand shares a core with Voldemort's which saves his ass big time in The Goblet of Fire.
Chocolate Frog trading card- It didn't make it in the movie, but Dumbledore's battle with Grindelwald is mentioned on the way to Hogwarts. We don't hear the details about it until The Deathly Hallows. But it's really more a lover's quarrel than a battle, which is a fact which never quite came out in the books. (Pun completely intended.)
Scabbers- In the book, Ron's rat is described missing a toe. A critical fact in The Prisoner of Azkaban.
Ghosts- Introduced as a comic device in this movie, ghosts prove to be a valuable information source starting with The Chamber of Secrets.
Snape saves Harry- During the Quidditch scene, there's really no reason why Snape should have been the one to save Harry. Any of the professors could have done it. Sure, it adds an air of suspicion to his character, but Snape is so obvious as a villain that he's obviously not a villain. It's not until The Order of the Phoenix that we really get an idea of how Snape caught on to Quirrell before anyone else (there are a lot of hints beforehand) and it's not until The Deathly Hallows that we find out that Snape pledged his life to protecting Harry. Also, the snitch from that scene also returns in The Deathly Hallows and Snape kills Dumbledore. (That last part has nothing to do with the discussion at hand, it's just my job.)
The Marauder's Map- McGonagall makes a joke about Harry and Ron needing a map of Hogwarts which is a critical tool starting in The Prisoner of Azkaban.
The Voldemort/Harry Psychic Hotline- Pain from Harry's scar is a symptom of their psychic connection which doesn't become a major plot point until The Order of the Phoenix. Voldemort also appears to make a lucky guess that Harry already has the stone, but in light of latter events it might not be a guess at all.
The Invisibility Cloak- Ok, so this is a major tool from the moment it appears, but its not until The Deathly Hallows that we know why it's the best invisibility cloak in town.
The Final Horcrux- Three of the eight previously mentioned points connect Harry and Voldemort one way or another. This adds to the narrative in a number of ways throughout the series, but it also sets up the big reveal that Harry is one of Voldemort's Horcruxes in The Deathly Hallows.
I've probably missed one or seven, but that's the point Harry Potter is such a rich mythology in which every detail matters to the story as a whole. It's a remarkable feat of writing which I have only seen this effectively accomplished in two other series: The Lord of the Rings and Avatar: The Last Airbender. J. K. Rowling would certainly not forget about a one-time plot devise capable of resolving the entire central conflict of the series in under five minutes. (Sarcastic foreshadowing)
Friday, December 2, 2011
The Deer Hunter- Don't Watch a Three Hour Movie on a Laptop
I've seen many films on DVD and thought "I'd like this more if I'd seen it in the theater." After watching The Deer Hunter on my laptop, it occurs to me that there are worse ways to see a movie than the ideal home theater set up and that every downgrade in viewing set up deserves a downgrade in maximum viewing time. But first a few stray observations about the movie...
I think a kid at the wedding invented break dancing.
Rolling Rock- The official beer of PTSD
By the time, Micheal finds Nick he must have logically played that game dozens of times and in each game he has a 50% chance of losing. He has a 25% chance of surviving two games, a 12.5% chance of surviving three games, a 6.25% chance of surviving four games, a 3.125% chance of surviving five games, a 1.5625% chance of surviving six games, and so on. By the time he gets to ten games, he has less than a 0.1% chance of still being alive and yet as soon as Micheal gets there he shoots himself in the head. What are the odds?
Movie Theater- 5 hour maximum
Big screen, great sound. This is the ideal movie environment. You are there to watch an movie and nothing else (Ok, maybe something else, but then you aren't really watching the movie are you?) and the darkness keeps your eyes on the screen. The chairs in a modern theater are comfy, but not sleep-inducing. And the audience helps too, especially for a comedy. It's easier to laugh when some else thinks it's funny.
Home Theater (Commercial-free TV or streaming/DVD or Blu-Ray)- 6 hour maximum
It's easier to get distracted at home. There is always something else you could be doing. But if you've got a screen big enough for your room and a decent sound system, this is the second best you can do. So if it's a inferior viewing method, why the increase in maximum time? The pause button. It doesn't matter how good a movie is you have to pee sometime. I could have never made it through the director's cuts of the Lord of the Rings movies without the good ol' pause button. The only limit for this set up is your attention span.
DVR Recording or Limited Commercial Streaming- 3 hour maximum
It's the same home theater set up, but the awkward cuts that randomly interrupt the flow of the film even for a few seconds really degrade the viewing experience.
DVD/Blu-Ray on Laptop- 2 hour maximum
The screen is far too small to occupy the majority of your field of vision the way a movie screen or a large TV will. The sound is terrible. You must constantly move to stay comfortable, every time setting off an earthquake that the actors strangely ignore and revealing a strange floating triangle and a mysterious colored bar. Passing the two hour mark laptop viewing becomes intolerable.
Limited Commercial Streaming on a Laptop- 1 and one half hour maximum
I'm looking at you, Hulu. Combining the worst aspects of the last two set ups to make an even worse option.
TV with Commercials- 0 hour maximum
During commercial breaks, I have forgotten not just plot details, but the entire movie. It is far to easy to get distracted or fall asleep waiting for the film to come back. In the modern world, watching anything but live events on ad-supported TV can no longer be tolerated under any circumstance.
I think a kid at the wedding invented break dancing.
Rolling Rock- The official beer of PTSD
By the time, Micheal finds Nick he must have logically played that game dozens of times and in each game he has a 50% chance of losing. He has a 25% chance of surviving two games, a 12.5% chance of surviving three games, a 6.25% chance of surviving four games, a 3.125% chance of surviving five games, a 1.5625% chance of surviving six games, and so on. By the time he gets to ten games, he has less than a 0.1% chance of still being alive and yet as soon as Micheal gets there he shoots himself in the head. What are the odds?
Movie Theater- 5 hour maximum
Big screen, great sound. This is the ideal movie environment. You are there to watch an movie and nothing else (Ok, maybe something else, but then you aren't really watching the movie are you?) and the darkness keeps your eyes on the screen. The chairs in a modern theater are comfy, but not sleep-inducing. And the audience helps too, especially for a comedy. It's easier to laugh when some else thinks it's funny.
Home Theater (Commercial-free TV or streaming/DVD or Blu-Ray)- 6 hour maximum
It's easier to get distracted at home. There is always something else you could be doing. But if you've got a screen big enough for your room and a decent sound system, this is the second best you can do. So if it's a inferior viewing method, why the increase in maximum time? The pause button. It doesn't matter how good a movie is you have to pee sometime. I could have never made it through the director's cuts of the Lord of the Rings movies without the good ol' pause button. The only limit for this set up is your attention span.
DVR Recording or Limited Commercial Streaming- 3 hour maximum
It's the same home theater set up, but the awkward cuts that randomly interrupt the flow of the film even for a few seconds really degrade the viewing experience.
DVD/Blu-Ray on Laptop- 2 hour maximum
The screen is far too small to occupy the majority of your field of vision the way a movie screen or a large TV will. The sound is terrible. You must constantly move to stay comfortable, every time setting off an earthquake that the actors strangely ignore and revealing a strange floating triangle and a mysterious colored bar. Passing the two hour mark laptop viewing becomes intolerable.
Limited Commercial Streaming on a Laptop- 1 and one half hour maximum
I'm looking at you, Hulu. Combining the worst aspects of the last two set ups to make an even worse option.
TV with Commercials- 0 hour maximum
During commercial breaks, I have forgotten not just plot details, but the entire movie. It is far to easy to get distracted or fall asleep waiting for the film to come back. In the modern world, watching anything but live events on ad-supported TV can no longer be tolerated under any circumstance.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
The Housemaid- Where Did That Come From?
The Housemaid blindsided me in the final two minutes. Until that point it was a solid movie, but a bizarre ending has all but wiped out the rest of the film. A running theme on No Spoiler Tags is that one shot, one scene can completely alter the entire perception of a movie. The Housemaid is another example of that theme.
This Korean film follows the story of a maid impregnated by her master. The mother of the master's wife finds out about the pregnancy and poisons the maid to cause a miscarriage. The maid swears revenge on the entire family.
Her revenge? She hangs herself. Now as revenge goes, suicide is not quite as useful as murder or kidnapping, but doing it right in front of them, that's bound to leave some psychological scars. Especially on the innocent girl that she actually likes. Still had the movie ended here, it would have been a very good film, but then things start getting weird.
While she is hanging, she yells "Fire" and immediately bursts into flames. First of all, it's kind of hard to speak while dying of asphyxiation. Secondly, how does she ignite? Her hands are on the noose. She couldn't have lit herself on fire. Is she adept in the art of psychokinesis? If she is indeed the firestarter, twisted firestarter, I think roasting her enemies alive might be a more effective form of revenge. Moments after she bursts into flame, gushing torrents of water begin to pour down from above. What private home has a fire sprinkler system? And even if this one did, it wouldn't have activated that quickly. So instead of being moved by the ritualistic suicide scene, I'm thinking she's three-fourths the way to becoming the Avatar. Again, had the movie ended here, I could have basically ignored the logical inconsistencies and it would have been a good film, but this is when things get really weird.
The final scene appears to be guest directed by David Lynch. We are taken outdoors, but there is fancy indoor furniture. All the characters are speaking this strange language called "English." The maid sings a Marylin Monroe-style Happy Birthday to the little girl and then the master pours a champagne toast.
This scene bothers me for several reasons. First, I'm not much of a fan of surrealism for dramatic effect. The essence of drama is realistic expressions of real events and emotions. The exact opposite of surrealism. Surrealism is great for comedy. I'm a big fan of Monty Python and The Kids in the Hall. Surrealism also works for characters with an altered mental state due to drugs or illness. But dramatic surrealism for surrealism's sake leaves me wondering what is happening in the real world.
Second, I have no clue what the final scene is supposed to mean. I can't even venture a guess. My best guess as to how it fits into the film is as the maid's dying visions or her being welcomed to the afterlife, but as for what it is supposed to symbolize, I have no clue.
Third, I have stated before that a movie should establish a style early on and stick to it. Drastically changing styles is alienating to the audience. Until this point, reality had been quite firm in the film. This scene simply did not belong in this movie.
This Korean film follows the story of a maid impregnated by her master. The mother of the master's wife finds out about the pregnancy and poisons the maid to cause a miscarriage. The maid swears revenge on the entire family.
Her revenge? She hangs herself. Now as revenge goes, suicide is not quite as useful as murder or kidnapping, but doing it right in front of them, that's bound to leave some psychological scars. Especially on the innocent girl that she actually likes. Still had the movie ended here, it would have been a very good film, but then things start getting weird.
While she is hanging, she yells "Fire" and immediately bursts into flames. First of all, it's kind of hard to speak while dying of asphyxiation. Secondly, how does she ignite? Her hands are on the noose. She couldn't have lit herself on fire. Is she adept in the art of psychokinesis? If she is indeed the firestarter, twisted firestarter, I think roasting her enemies alive might be a more effective form of revenge. Moments after she bursts into flame, gushing torrents of water begin to pour down from above. What private home has a fire sprinkler system? And even if this one did, it wouldn't have activated that quickly. So instead of being moved by the ritualistic suicide scene, I'm thinking she's three-fourths the way to becoming the Avatar. Again, had the movie ended here, I could have basically ignored the logical inconsistencies and it would have been a good film, but this is when things get really weird.
The final scene appears to be guest directed by David Lynch. We are taken outdoors, but there is fancy indoor furniture. All the characters are speaking this strange language called "English." The maid sings a Marylin Monroe-style Happy Birthday to the little girl and then the master pours a champagne toast.
This scene bothers me for several reasons. First, I'm not much of a fan of surrealism for dramatic effect. The essence of drama is realistic expressions of real events and emotions. The exact opposite of surrealism. Surrealism is great for comedy. I'm a big fan of Monty Python and The Kids in the Hall. Surrealism also works for characters with an altered mental state due to drugs or illness. But dramatic surrealism for surrealism's sake leaves me wondering what is happening in the real world.
Second, I have no clue what the final scene is supposed to mean. I can't even venture a guess. My best guess as to how it fits into the film is as the maid's dying visions or her being welcomed to the afterlife, but as for what it is supposed to symbolize, I have no clue.
Third, I have stated before that a movie should establish a style early on and stick to it. Drastically changing styles is alienating to the audience. Until this point, reality had been quite firm in the film. This scene simply did not belong in this movie.
Friday, November 11, 2011
The Muppets Take Manhattan- Puppet Psychics
I'm looking forward to the new muppets movie more than any other this year. Jim Henson's creations have unmatched comedic timing and deliver deadpan lines with the skill of Bob Newhart. So to get ready, let's have a look back to The Muppets Take Manhattan.
I love musicals for one simple reason. I love the idea that at any point in time if someone plays the right chord on the piano, we will all turn into a hive-minded, psychic singing and dancing mob. Musicals are essentially zombie films with less flesh eating and more kick-turn heals. Think about it. Every song starts with one guy humming and then some one else joins in and soon there's a swarm of hundreds all thinking and acting the same way. And if we can all improvise the same lyrics and choreography with no prior training or rehearsal, can world peace be that far off? All we need to do is get Israeli and Palestinian leaders in the same room, start singing a line about how their problems are intractable, and three and a half minutes later the problem is solved.
The final sequence of the movie is interesting in this regard because it takes place in a musical within the musical. Seconds before they go on for the opening night of a musical that they have been rehearsing for months, Kermit introduces dozens of additional cast members which know nothing about the show. This effectively renders all of their previous work moot and yet everyone hits their marks and knows all their lines.
You might be thinking that characters in a musical are copying one another, but in this scene, the muppets prove that the psychic musical connection has a range of hundreds of miles.
Despite being physically separated, the muppets are able to stay in perfect time, construct a rhyme scheme, and compose a common theme. They also apparently have the ability to astroproject. So, let's make the world a better place through the use of catchy show tunes.
Other notes: The wedding scene is takes place on stage during the musical within the musical, but the church has all four walls which means the Broadway audience has payed hundreds of dollars each for a view of the back of a set piece.
Miss Piggy replaces the actor-priest with an actual priest implying that Kermit is unaware that they are really getting married. While this would not be a legally binding ceremony without a signed marriage license, it is extremely creepy. Pair this with her history of stalking and abuse and Kermit is destined to appear in a Lifetime movie. Kermit, get a restraining order, this will not end well.
I love musicals for one simple reason. I love the idea that at any point in time if someone plays the right chord on the piano, we will all turn into a hive-minded, psychic singing and dancing mob. Musicals are essentially zombie films with less flesh eating and more kick-turn heals. Think about it. Every song starts with one guy humming and then some one else joins in and soon there's a swarm of hundreds all thinking and acting the same way. And if we can all improvise the same lyrics and choreography with no prior training or rehearsal, can world peace be that far off? All we need to do is get Israeli and Palestinian leaders in the same room, start singing a line about how their problems are intractable, and three and a half minutes later the problem is solved.
The final sequence of the movie is interesting in this regard because it takes place in a musical within the musical. Seconds before they go on for the opening night of a musical that they have been rehearsing for months, Kermit introduces dozens of additional cast members which know nothing about the show. This effectively renders all of their previous work moot and yet everyone hits their marks and knows all their lines.
You might be thinking that characters in a musical are copying one another, but in this scene, the muppets prove that the psychic musical connection has a range of hundreds of miles.
Other notes: The wedding scene is takes place on stage during the musical within the musical, but the church has all four walls which means the Broadway audience has payed hundreds of dollars each for a view of the back of a set piece.
Miss Piggy replaces the actor-priest with an actual priest implying that Kermit is unaware that they are really getting married. While this would not be a legally binding ceremony without a signed marriage license, it is extremely creepy. Pair this with her history of stalking and abuse and Kermit is destined to appear in a Lifetime movie. Kermit, get a restraining order, this will not end well.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
The Final Countdown- Stops At One
In Galaxy Quest, there is a sequence where the self-destruct has been activated and Tim Allen and Sigourney Weaver have to jump through a series of ridiculous hoops to get to the button to turn off the device. When they finally get there, the button doesn't work. That's it. They're all going to die. There's no hope left. And then with one second left...the timer stops on it's own. That's what watching The Final Countdown is like.
The premise of the movie is that a modern-day (that day happens to be 30 years ago) aircraft carrier has been transported back in time to December 6, 1941. December 7, 1941 is a day which will live in infamy.
The Final Countdown starts with some aircraft porn. Then they are transported back in time. More aircraft porn. The evidence slowly mounts that they have been transported back in time. More aircraft porn. They are now convinced that they are in 1941. A little more aircraft porn. Mandatory discussion about the ethics of time travel and the grandfather paradox. A brief aircraft porn interlude. Intrigue involving rescuing a senator who will be president and a Japanese pilot. You guessed it, more aircraft porn. They agree to stop the Japanese fleet. A slight hint of aircraft porn.
So here they are, the planes are launched and approaching the Japanese fleet, they have a 40 year technological advantage, they have the element of surprise and they know every move the Japanese will make, but the Japanese have a significant numerical advantage. Here comes the match-up we've been building to the whole movie. The aircraft porn money-shot if you will. (If you won't, it's too late, the thought is out there, now deal with it.) They are going to completely change history. And...Musical interlude. Hit it, Europe.
They go back to the present. The End.
The premise of the movie is that a modern-day (that day happens to be 30 years ago) aircraft carrier has been transported back in time to December 6, 1941. December 7, 1941 is a day which will live in infamy.
The Final Countdown starts with some aircraft porn. Then they are transported back in time. More aircraft porn. The evidence slowly mounts that they have been transported back in time. More aircraft porn. They are now convinced that they are in 1941. A little more aircraft porn. Mandatory discussion about the ethics of time travel and the grandfather paradox. A brief aircraft porn interlude. Intrigue involving rescuing a senator who will be president and a Japanese pilot. You guessed it, more aircraft porn. They agree to stop the Japanese fleet. A slight hint of aircraft porn.
So here they are, the planes are launched and approaching the Japanese fleet, they have a 40 year technological advantage, they have the element of surprise and they know every move the Japanese will make, but the Japanese have a significant numerical advantage. Here comes the match-up we've been building to the whole movie. The aircraft porn money-shot if you will. (If you won't, it's too late, the thought is out there, now deal with it.) They are going to completely change history. And...Musical interlude. Hit it, Europe.
They go back to the present. The End.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Red State- Stand Still So I Can Laugh At You
I don't know if Kevin Smith was smoking too much or not enough pot when he wrote Red State, but it was clearly not the right amount. Red State is a movie which can't decide on a plot. The truly amazing thing about Red State is how entertaining and coherent it manages to stay while completely changing plots every ten minutes.
The movie starts out by introducing us to three adolescent males who want to go have consequence-free sex with a female stranger and because no movie can have consequence-free consequence-free sex they are drugged at taken captive by the Westboro-like anti-gay assholes of the Five Points Church. It turns out that the church has been doing a To Catch A Predator-style sting operation, but instead of pedophiles they are catching homosexuals and instead of a gentle televised chat with Chris Hanson they are being ritualistically murdered. Now, if you are an anti-gay religious zealot who believes all homosexuals should burn in hell, this is actually a pretty good plan. (Also, I hate you more than you can possibly imagine and I'm pretty sure God isn't too fond of you either.) However, in the movie, this scene plays out as a ten minute speech about the evils of homosexuality immediately proceeding the attempted murder of three boys who wanted to have heterosexual sex. I mean, stay focused religious assholes. There are a lot of different people you can hate. If you can't keep your rage focused on a single group, you're bound to be overwhelmed. If you hate gay people, you should be encouraging heterosexuality, not (literally) condemning it.
So about this time, one of the boys use the broken bones of the ritualistically murdered gay guy to escape and we are set up for a Hostel-style violent escape movie. The first escapee leaves his friend behind and makes a run for it before being gunned down in the armory. Then, the second boy manages to magically undo his own bindings and get to the armory undetected. Having gone unnoticed thus far he proceeded to the chapel where all the religious assholes have gathered as to make sure that they know he is escaping. Still undetected and carrying an automatic weapon in a room filled with his unarmed captors (who apparently have a hard time counting to two otherwise they would be armed and looking for him) as well as his surviving friend, he chooses to abandon his huge tactical advantage and run directly through the congregation making no attempt to rescue his friend or kill his captors. He is promptly shot in the back for his stupidity.
This is when the ATF is given orders to kill everyone in the compound setting up an anti-government message. Every one of the ATF agents is initially reluctant to murder a bunch of kids in cold blood, but they get over that in time. Time in this case being approximately ten seconds as a potential rebellion against authority subplot is abandoned as soon as it is brought up.
Now, the woman in the compound who takes care of the kids is set up to be the hero. She frees the remaining boy and tells him her plan. They're going to easily slip past the murdering band of heavily armed ATF agents surrounding the compound, gather the attention of the world's media, and get them to the compound which is at least 100 miles away to shine a light on this injustice and garner public condemnation of the government's actions, all in time to prevent the ATF from breaking in and killing everyone. They are promptly shot in the face for their stupidity.
Now, the ATF is on the verge of finishing their murderous rampage, but what's that noise, which is debilitatingly loud despite being quieter than the non-stop gunfire of the past half hour? It's the Rapture! The religious nuts were right! Is that Alanis Morrisette! No, it's the neighborhood kids with a giant air horn who are that magic distance away where they can't hear the constant noise of automatic rifles, but their air horn can still be clearly and loudly heard. They are trying to fake the first sign of the Rapture because insulting the beliefs of a fundamentalist religious sect with violent tendencies is a great strategy for dispute resolution.
So around this time, the ATF changes their mind on the whole killing unarmed suspects thing and decides that their just going to hold them forever without charges because they can totally do that. No one is ever going to miss those suburban white kids or notice that the news-making religious cult has dropped off the face of the Earth because...because...nope can't think of anything. Somebody's going to ask a question or two.
This is where Kevin Smith leaves us, questioning what we just watched. Several potentially interesting plots dropped before they are allowed to flourish and a potentially brilliant the-nuts-were-right twist ending comes to naught. Kevin Smith has officially announced his retirement from film making following his next project, but I can't help but feel he should have hung it up after Dogma, which remains one of my favorite comedies of all-time. I guess it is impossible to know when a career has crashed and when it's just a temporary slump, but Kevin Smith knows he's lost it and he's getting out before he has completely ruined his reputation like certain other formally great filmmakers **cough**M. Night**cough** and he should at least be commended for that.
The movie starts out by introducing us to three adolescent males who want to go have consequence-free sex with a female stranger and because no movie can have consequence-free consequence-free sex they are drugged at taken captive by the Westboro-like anti-gay assholes of the Five Points Church. It turns out that the church has been doing a To Catch A Predator-style sting operation, but instead of pedophiles they are catching homosexuals and instead of a gentle televised chat with Chris Hanson they are being ritualistically murdered. Now, if you are an anti-gay religious zealot who believes all homosexuals should burn in hell, this is actually a pretty good plan. (Also, I hate you more than you can possibly imagine and I'm pretty sure God isn't too fond of you either.) However, in the movie, this scene plays out as a ten minute speech about the evils of homosexuality immediately proceeding the attempted murder of three boys who wanted to have heterosexual sex. I mean, stay focused religious assholes. There are a lot of different people you can hate. If you can't keep your rage focused on a single group, you're bound to be overwhelmed. If you hate gay people, you should be encouraging heterosexuality, not (literally) condemning it.
So about this time, one of the boys use the broken bones of the ritualistically murdered gay guy to escape and we are set up for a Hostel-style violent escape movie. The first escapee leaves his friend behind and makes a run for it before being gunned down in the armory. Then, the second boy manages to magically undo his own bindings and get to the armory undetected. Having gone unnoticed thus far he proceeded to the chapel where all the religious assholes have gathered as to make sure that they know he is escaping. Still undetected and carrying an automatic weapon in a room filled with his unarmed captors (who apparently have a hard time counting to two otherwise they would be armed and looking for him) as well as his surviving friend, he chooses to abandon his huge tactical advantage and run directly through the congregation making no attempt to rescue his friend or kill his captors. He is promptly shot in the back for his stupidity.
This is when the ATF is given orders to kill everyone in the compound setting up an anti-government message. Every one of the ATF agents is initially reluctant to murder a bunch of kids in cold blood, but they get over that in time. Time in this case being approximately ten seconds as a potential rebellion against authority subplot is abandoned as soon as it is brought up.
Now, the woman in the compound who takes care of the kids is set up to be the hero. She frees the remaining boy and tells him her plan. They're going to easily slip past the murdering band of heavily armed ATF agents surrounding the compound, gather the attention of the world's media, and get them to the compound which is at least 100 miles away to shine a light on this injustice and garner public condemnation of the government's actions, all in time to prevent the ATF from breaking in and killing everyone. They are promptly shot in the face for their stupidity.
Now, the ATF is on the verge of finishing their murderous rampage, but what's that noise, which is debilitatingly loud despite being quieter than the non-stop gunfire of the past half hour? It's the Rapture! The religious nuts were right! Is that Alanis Morrisette! No, it's the neighborhood kids with a giant air horn who are that magic distance away where they can't hear the constant noise of automatic rifles, but their air horn can still be clearly and loudly heard. They are trying to fake the first sign of the Rapture because insulting the beliefs of a fundamentalist religious sect with violent tendencies is a great strategy for dispute resolution.
So around this time, the ATF changes their mind on the whole killing unarmed suspects thing and decides that their just going to hold them forever without charges because they can totally do that. No one is ever going to miss those suburban white kids or notice that the news-making religious cult has dropped off the face of the Earth because...because...nope can't think of anything. Somebody's going to ask a question or two.
This is where Kevin Smith leaves us, questioning what we just watched. Several potentially interesting plots dropped before they are allowed to flourish and a potentially brilliant the-nuts-were-right twist ending comes to naught. Kevin Smith has officially announced his retirement from film making following his next project, but I can't help but feel he should have hung it up after Dogma, which remains one of my favorite comedies of all-time. I guess it is impossible to know when a career has crashed and when it's just a temporary slump, but Kevin Smith knows he's lost it and he's getting out before he has completely ruined his reputation like certain other formally great filmmakers **cough**M. Night**cough** and he should at least be commended for that.
Friday, November 4, 2011
The Mother of Invention- Give Up on Your Dreams
Some people are incredibly talented. Some people are incredibly lucky. Some people succeed through hard work. Some people try, fail and move on. And then there are others, they try, fail, try again and fail again and keep trying long after any reasonable person would have quit. These people are called morons. Vincent Dooly is a moron.
My sister's favorite saying is, "Shoot for the Moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." This saying could not possibly be more inaccurate. The Moon is 0.0000000427 light-years from Earth. Proxima Centauri is 4.24 light-years away. That's 100,000,000 times farther away. Even, Sol is 0.0000159 light-years away. That's almost 400 times the distance. There is no way a vessel bound for the Moon would be carrying enough fuel and supplies to accidentally make it to any star. Furthermore, any space mission as poorly planned enough that missing a planetoid entirely is a distinct possibility is far more likely to explode on the launchpad than make it out of the atmosphere. A more accurate expression would be, "Shoot for the Moon, if you miss, you will die."
At this point, you may be wondering if this piece is satirical. It is not. I am being completely straightforward. Not everyone gets to live their dreams. Sorry, it's the truth. As one of the lucky, one's I can tell you it's pretty sweet, but if you don't share my good fortune, your much better off accepting that you won't be the next American Idol and getting on with something else you are good at.
The Mother of Invention is a portrait of a man that should have quit. Vincent Dooly can't make a working invention. For example, one of his self-defense inventions, the Knife-helmet, is actually less useful for self-defense than the knife-no-helmet. (Ok, so someone who looks like Vincent shows up in the history book at the end. That doesn't mean it's actually him. And, even if he did make a working time machine, he is now trapped in the past with no way back, no money, none of the necessary survival skills to survive in another time and no one will ever know that the time machine worked.) He doesn't know what consumers want. If you can't figure out what people need, you can't fill that need. He's fixated on a girl who is way out of his league and it's making him miserable. Each failure leads inevitably to misery and back to another failure and ultimately his death. This is what happens to a man who cannot recognize his own limitations.
Vincent Dooly is a man who would be very happy as a cable repairman or a plumber or a mechanic. He would be great at a job that requires a desire to fix things and understand how they work, but that doesn't depend on an abundance of creativity. Yes, Vincent has a plethora of imagination, but imagination is not the same as creativity. Imagination is the ability to picture something novel. Creativity is the ability to actually make it happen. Vincent's transporter is an example of this difference. He sticks various bits and bobs together and imagines that it's a transporter, but what he actually created was a bunch of bits and bobs stuck together. Imagination writes the script, creativity makes the movie.
We live in an America where far to many people go to college and try to make it rich. Then, they wind up unemployed or shuffled into some desk job that they resent for the rest of their working lives. Meanwhile, there is a dearth of anyone willing to actually get their hands dirty. How many of those miserable account specialists out there would be much happier as construction workers? Sometimes when you shoot for the Moon, you wind up trapped in the perpetual blackness of the interplanetary void while you slowly starve to death.
Now, I'm not asking everyone to give up on their dreams. If you play guitar like Eddie Van Halen, you should be playing guitar. But well, you don't. You're not Roy Hobbs, nor are you Gordon Gekko. Despite what your kindergarten teacher told you, not everyone is special. If you call everyone special, you divorce the word from its meaning and divorce can be very painful on kids. Realism can be tough to deal with in the short-term, but lying causes long-term harm. If you know someone toiling under the torment of an unrealistic dream, it's time to tell them they suck. Hey, send them this post, I'll do it.
Dear [your name here],
Your [friend/family member/enemy/casual acquaintance/romantic partner] wants you to know something very important for you to hear and it's not easy for them to say. That thing you've been devoting your life to, no not that that thing, the other that thing, you just aren't very good at it, you're not getting any better and you never will. It's time to quit. You can keep doing it as a hobby, but no one will ever pay you to do it professionally. I hear there are openings at the local [factory/vocational school/pet store]. You'll like it there.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Jerk
Many people say "Do what you love." My advice is different. "Do what you're good at, chances are you'll love it."
My sister's favorite saying is, "Shoot for the Moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." This saying could not possibly be more inaccurate. The Moon is 0.0000000427 light-years from Earth. Proxima Centauri is 4.24 light-years away. That's 100,000,000 times farther away. Even, Sol is 0.0000159 light-years away. That's almost 400 times the distance. There is no way a vessel bound for the Moon would be carrying enough fuel and supplies to accidentally make it to any star. Furthermore, any space mission as poorly planned enough that missing a planetoid entirely is a distinct possibility is far more likely to explode on the launchpad than make it out of the atmosphere. A more accurate expression would be, "Shoot for the Moon, if you miss, you will die."
At this point, you may be wondering if this piece is satirical. It is not. I am being completely straightforward. Not everyone gets to live their dreams. Sorry, it's the truth. As one of the lucky, one's I can tell you it's pretty sweet, but if you don't share my good fortune, your much better off accepting that you won't be the next American Idol and getting on with something else you are good at.
The Mother of Invention is a portrait of a man that should have quit. Vincent Dooly can't make a working invention. For example, one of his self-defense inventions, the Knife-helmet, is actually less useful for self-defense than the knife-no-helmet. (Ok, so someone who looks like Vincent shows up in the history book at the end. That doesn't mean it's actually him. And, even if he did make a working time machine, he is now trapped in the past with no way back, no money, none of the necessary survival skills to survive in another time and no one will ever know that the time machine worked.) He doesn't know what consumers want. If you can't figure out what people need, you can't fill that need. He's fixated on a girl who is way out of his league and it's making him miserable. Each failure leads inevitably to misery and back to another failure and ultimately his death. This is what happens to a man who cannot recognize his own limitations.
Vincent Dooly is a man who would be very happy as a cable repairman or a plumber or a mechanic. He would be great at a job that requires a desire to fix things and understand how they work, but that doesn't depend on an abundance of creativity. Yes, Vincent has a plethora of imagination, but imagination is not the same as creativity. Imagination is the ability to picture something novel. Creativity is the ability to actually make it happen. Vincent's transporter is an example of this difference. He sticks various bits and bobs together and imagines that it's a transporter, but what he actually created was a bunch of bits and bobs stuck together. Imagination writes the script, creativity makes the movie.
We live in an America where far to many people go to college and try to make it rich. Then, they wind up unemployed or shuffled into some desk job that they resent for the rest of their working lives. Meanwhile, there is a dearth of anyone willing to actually get their hands dirty. How many of those miserable account specialists out there would be much happier as construction workers? Sometimes when you shoot for the Moon, you wind up trapped in the perpetual blackness of the interplanetary void while you slowly starve to death.
Now, I'm not asking everyone to give up on their dreams. If you play guitar like Eddie Van Halen, you should be playing guitar. But well, you don't. You're not Roy Hobbs, nor are you Gordon Gekko. Despite what your kindergarten teacher told you, not everyone is special. If you call everyone special, you divorce the word from its meaning and divorce can be very painful on kids. Realism can be tough to deal with in the short-term, but lying causes long-term harm. If you know someone toiling under the torment of an unrealistic dream, it's time to tell them they suck. Hey, send them this post, I'll do it.
Dear [your name here],
Your [friend/family member/enemy/casual acquaintance/romantic partner] wants you to know something very important for you to hear and it's not easy for them to say. That thing you've been devoting your life to, no not that that thing, the other that thing, you just aren't very good at it, you're not getting any better and you never will. It's time to quit. You can keep doing it as a hobby, but no one will ever pay you to do it professionally. I hear there are openings at the local [factory/vocational school/pet store]. You'll like it there.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Jerk
Many people say "Do what you love." My advice is different. "Do what you're good at, chances are you'll love it."
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
The Exorcist- A Cultural Memory
I knew about Luke Skywalker's paternity before the Empire struck back. I knew what Sophie chose before Stingo did. I didn't have to see The Crying Game to know what he was crying about. If I grew up where it actually snowed, my sled would have been named Rosebud. It took me several years to get around to seeing American Pie, but I was still well aware of what happened one time at band camp. I didn't need to watch Alien to know why John Hurt. Hannibal Lecter didn't have to tell me the proper wine and side dish pairing for human liver. I didn't need The Shinning to tell me what all work and no play make Jack.
Some movies are so embedded in the cultural memory. That you don't actually have to see them to know everything about them. You just pick them up by osmosis. The Exorcist is one of those movies. One of the reasons I put off seeing for this long is that I was sure I knew everything about it. The other is that I was born a coward and only recently realized that scary movies don't actually scare me. In fact, I tend to find them hilarious. The Shining is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. I mean when the black guy received a physic signal to help, traveled all the way across the country through a terrible snowstorm, and then proceeded to get axed in the back before doing anything useful, I nearly busted a gut. Sorry, I seem to have lost my train of thought...Anyway in this post, I present things I knew about The Exorcist before I ever saw it and how a few of those things weren't quite true.
I knew the exorcism team was an old priest, who had done this before, and a young priest, who had lost his faith. All true.
I knew it was about a little girl possessed by the Devil. Maybe true. It was definitely a demon of some type, but despite its claim it may not have been the Devil. There may have been as many as three demons in her. The name and quantity of possessors was never clear.
I knew there was projectile pea-soup vomiting. True. That happened and frequently.
I knew that there were psychokinetic powers and murders. Probably true. The demon frequently exhibited psychokinesis and committed several murders, but the murders were off-screen so it's not clear how they were actually committed.
I knew a scene involved crucifix masturbation and another living room urination. Yep, that happened.
I knew the girl had the inexplicably creepy name Linda Blair. Kind of true. Linda Blair is the name of the actress. The character's name is Reagan, as in Ronald "Mr. Gorbachev, let me take credit for your socioeconomic collapse that I had little to nothing to do with while I raise taxes and give weapons to terrorists" Reagan. (Now that I think about it Reagan being possessed by the Devil would explain a lot.)
I knew that the girl does a 360 head spin. False. We see her go 180 at least once, but she never lands the 360 and that's going to cost her with the judges.
I knew it took the title character forever to appear before he is quickly dispatched. Mostly true. The Exorcist appears in a brief scene at the beginning which does nothing to move the plot forward or become important later. He them disappears until the movie is almost over and dies soon after returning to the film. But while he didn't get much screen time, he was certainly an important figure.
I knew that the power of Christ compels you. True. Rhythmic chanting: our greatest weapon against the Devil.
I knew that it was highly sacrilegious. False. When you think about, the crux of the story is about the young priest finding redemption through faith and the power of good over evil, hardly anti-religious messages. There are several comments about the Catholics being out of date and kooky for performing exorcisms, but as the entire medical and psychiatric community is unable to help the girl and the demon turns out to be real, the Catholic church is more than vindicated. There is desecration of religious icons, but as these acts are performed by the living embodiment of evil, it's hard to call the film sacrilegious for that. The Exorcist is the most ardently pro-Catholic film I have ever seen.
Never trust a cultural memory to get it right. They tend to get altered and corrupted until you are saying "Beam me up, Scotty" and thinking Reagan is the Republican ideal. You know nothing until you have done the research for yourself.
Some movies are so embedded in the cultural memory. That you don't actually have to see them to know everything about them. You just pick them up by osmosis. The Exorcist is one of those movies. One of the reasons I put off seeing for this long is that I was sure I knew everything about it. The other is that I was born a coward and only recently realized that scary movies don't actually scare me. In fact, I tend to find them hilarious. The Shining is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. I mean when the black guy received a physic signal to help, traveled all the way across the country through a terrible snowstorm, and then proceeded to get axed in the back before doing anything useful, I nearly busted a gut. Sorry, I seem to have lost my train of thought...Anyway in this post, I present things I knew about The Exorcist before I ever saw it and how a few of those things weren't quite true.
I knew the exorcism team was an old priest, who had done this before, and a young priest, who had lost his faith. All true.
I knew it was about a little girl possessed by the Devil. Maybe true. It was definitely a demon of some type, but despite its claim it may not have been the Devil. There may have been as many as three demons in her. The name and quantity of possessors was never clear.
I knew there was projectile pea-soup vomiting. True. That happened and frequently.
I knew that there were psychokinetic powers and murders. Probably true. The demon frequently exhibited psychokinesis and committed several murders, but the murders were off-screen so it's not clear how they were actually committed.
I knew a scene involved crucifix masturbation and another living room urination. Yep, that happened.
I knew the girl had the inexplicably creepy name Linda Blair. Kind of true. Linda Blair is the name of the actress. The character's name is Reagan, as in Ronald "Mr. Gorbachev, let me take credit for your socioeconomic collapse that I had little to nothing to do with while I raise taxes and give weapons to terrorists" Reagan. (Now that I think about it Reagan being possessed by the Devil would explain a lot.)
I knew that the girl does a 360 head spin. False. We see her go 180 at least once, but she never lands the 360 and that's going to cost her with the judges.
I knew it took the title character forever to appear before he is quickly dispatched. Mostly true. The Exorcist appears in a brief scene at the beginning which does nothing to move the plot forward or become important later. He them disappears until the movie is almost over and dies soon after returning to the film. But while he didn't get much screen time, he was certainly an important figure.
I knew that the power of Christ compels you. True. Rhythmic chanting: our greatest weapon against the Devil.
I knew that it was highly sacrilegious. False. When you think about, the crux of the story is about the young priest finding redemption through faith and the power of good over evil, hardly anti-religious messages. There are several comments about the Catholics being out of date and kooky for performing exorcisms, but as the entire medical and psychiatric community is unable to help the girl and the demon turns out to be real, the Catholic church is more than vindicated. There is desecration of religious icons, but as these acts are performed by the living embodiment of evil, it's hard to call the film sacrilegious for that. The Exorcist is the most ardently pro-Catholic film I have ever seen.
Never trust a cultural memory to get it right. They tend to get altered and corrupted until you are saying "Beam me up, Scotty" and thinking Reagan is the Republican ideal. You know nothing until you have done the research for yourself.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Puss in Boots- The Rules of 3D
Puss in Boots was a delightfully charming and funny movie and the first truly worthy sequel in the Shrek franchise. (Shrek 2 was ok, but it doesn't hold up to multiple viewings like the original does. I never actually saw Shrek 4, but the reviews suggest I haven't missed anything.) Like the original Shrek, Puss in Boots blends traditional fairy tales, pop culture, strong characters and adult humor to tell a story which is both familiar and completely original. Puss in Boots is basically a Western-style betrayal-filled heist film with just a piquant of Godzilla. But this is not a review site and this is not a review, I am writing about this movie because it perfectly demonstrates both the inherent strengths and weaknesses of 3D.
3D is great for literally adding depth to the background of your world through the use of long shots. 3D is also good for interesting camera angles with a cluttered foreground. And, 3D can make for interesting chase sequences through the use of close follow or POV shots. Puss in Boots does all of these things well. However, where 3D fails is also where it is used the most: fast-paced action. When characters or objects move quickly across the screen, 3D turns into a blurry mess. The same thing happens when the camera moves too quickly which is often necessary during action sequences. Remember that 3D is an illusion created by simultaneously displaying two images side-by-side and a movie itself is an illusion caused by displaying numerous stills every second. When you are watching a 3D movie, your brain is trying to synthesize hundreds of slightly offset images every second into a single coherent HD 3D video while simultaneously listening to the audio, keeping track of the plot, evaluating the movie as a whole and trying to remember whether or not you payed the phone bill. When the characters are flying through the air, dodging whizzing arrows, while the camera spins a 360, my brain says, "Fuck it, I'm going on break! Watch this static and call me when things slow down." Puss in Boots, which at times was down right beautiful in its use of 3D, was heavily dependent on rapid action which was frequently blurred.
So, now I present the No Spoiler Tags Rule of 3D for both viewers and filmmakers. First up, viewers...
1. If the studio won't pay to make shoot it in 3D, I won't pay to watch it in 3D. 3D conversion is not capable of delivering as sharp an image as true shot in 3D making any blurring effect even greater, but it is cheaper, not for you, for the studios, you pay the same price either way. If you don't know, if it's real or a conversion go to realorfake3d.com. [Note: Because of how they are made, computer generated animated movies are automatically real 3D.]
2. If I wouldn't see it in 2D, I'm not going to see it in 3D. Between the extra cost, the uncomfortably of wearing an extra set of glasses, and the aforementioned pluses and minuses of the medium, 3D usually winds up being a neutral experience for me, rather than a true selling point. If it looks like it's going to be a terrible movie in 2D, it's going to be a terrible movie in 3D. I'd prefer they add an extra dimension to the characters than the screen any day.
3. If all the ads are about the 3D, I'm not going at all. This one applies to all movies, not just 3D ones. If a trailer is all text or audience reaction shots, if they won't show you any of the actual movie, it's probably because they have something to hide.
For the filmmakers...
1. Don't move the camera. Before anyone is allowed to make a 3D film, they should be required to watch Alfred Hitchcock's Dial M for Murder. Hitchcock was known for excellent camera work. What's striking about Dial M for Murder, which was shot for but not released in 3D, is that the camera almost never moves. The contrast between Dial M for Murder and the rest of Hitchcock's work is even more apparent when you compare it to Rope, another one room movie where the camera is in constant motion. When camera moves are necessary, they should be slow and parallel to the action on screen. Many rapid moves against the flow of the action is bound to leave your audience watching a grainy blob.
2. Don't use gimmicks. Throwing things at the audience is more likely to annoy than thrill your audience. Towards the beginning of Avatar (The Non-Airbender) there is a shot of a man playing golf into a coffee cup, a shot that has no purpose other than reminding the audience that the movie is in 3D, I responded with an audible groan. (The same shot had been used several years before in the 3D version of Journey to the Center of the Earth, but no one saw that and they were better off for it.) We know the movie is in 3D. We're wearing the uncomfortable glasses.
3. Keep it slow. As discussed before, 3D doesn't work well with rapid movement. Particularly, close to the camera and perpendicular to the screen. If you absolutely must have something moving at top speed, (and I know I just railed against this in rule 2) it is best to aim it towards the audience, as that is the direction least likely to experience the blurring effect.
4. Keep it bright. 3D projectors aren't as bright as 2D ones and the audience are all wearing sunglasses. Take your dimly lit castle in 2D and show it in 3D and now your watching a black screen. Buy some extra light bulbs when you're shooting in 3D.
Whether you are a 3D viewer or filmmaker, follow these rules and everything should be just fine. And if you need an example of the highs and lows of 3D, watch Puss in Boots.
3D is great for literally adding depth to the background of your world through the use of long shots. 3D is also good for interesting camera angles with a cluttered foreground. And, 3D can make for interesting chase sequences through the use of close follow or POV shots. Puss in Boots does all of these things well. However, where 3D fails is also where it is used the most: fast-paced action. When characters or objects move quickly across the screen, 3D turns into a blurry mess. The same thing happens when the camera moves too quickly which is often necessary during action sequences. Remember that 3D is an illusion created by simultaneously displaying two images side-by-side and a movie itself is an illusion caused by displaying numerous stills every second. When you are watching a 3D movie, your brain is trying to synthesize hundreds of slightly offset images every second into a single coherent HD 3D video while simultaneously listening to the audio, keeping track of the plot, evaluating the movie as a whole and trying to remember whether or not you payed the phone bill. When the characters are flying through the air, dodging whizzing arrows, while the camera spins a 360, my brain says, "Fuck it, I'm going on break! Watch this static and call me when things slow down." Puss in Boots, which at times was down right beautiful in its use of 3D, was heavily dependent on rapid action which was frequently blurred.
So, now I present the No Spoiler Tags Rule of 3D for both viewers and filmmakers. First up, viewers...
1. If the studio won't pay to make shoot it in 3D, I won't pay to watch it in 3D. 3D conversion is not capable of delivering as sharp an image as true shot in 3D making any blurring effect even greater, but it is cheaper, not for you, for the studios, you pay the same price either way. If you don't know, if it's real or a conversion go to realorfake3d.com. [Note: Because of how they are made, computer generated animated movies are automatically real 3D.]
2. If I wouldn't see it in 2D, I'm not going to see it in 3D. Between the extra cost, the uncomfortably of wearing an extra set of glasses, and the aforementioned pluses and minuses of the medium, 3D usually winds up being a neutral experience for me, rather than a true selling point. If it looks like it's going to be a terrible movie in 2D, it's going to be a terrible movie in 3D. I'd prefer they add an extra dimension to the characters than the screen any day.
3. If all the ads are about the 3D, I'm not going at all. This one applies to all movies, not just 3D ones. If a trailer is all text or audience reaction shots, if they won't show you any of the actual movie, it's probably because they have something to hide.
For the filmmakers...
1. Don't move the camera. Before anyone is allowed to make a 3D film, they should be required to watch Alfred Hitchcock's Dial M for Murder. Hitchcock was known for excellent camera work. What's striking about Dial M for Murder, which was shot for but not released in 3D, is that the camera almost never moves. The contrast between Dial M for Murder and the rest of Hitchcock's work is even more apparent when you compare it to Rope, another one room movie where the camera is in constant motion. When camera moves are necessary, they should be slow and parallel to the action on screen. Many rapid moves against the flow of the action is bound to leave your audience watching a grainy blob.
2. Don't use gimmicks. Throwing things at the audience is more likely to annoy than thrill your audience. Towards the beginning of Avatar (The Non-Airbender) there is a shot of a man playing golf into a coffee cup, a shot that has no purpose other than reminding the audience that the movie is in 3D, I responded with an audible groan. (The same shot had been used several years before in the 3D version of Journey to the Center of the Earth, but no one saw that and they were better off for it.) We know the movie is in 3D. We're wearing the uncomfortable glasses.
3. Keep it slow. As discussed before, 3D doesn't work well with rapid movement. Particularly, close to the camera and perpendicular to the screen. If you absolutely must have something moving at top speed, (and I know I just railed against this in rule 2) it is best to aim it towards the audience, as that is the direction least likely to experience the blurring effect.
4. Keep it bright. 3D projectors aren't as bright as 2D ones and the audience are all wearing sunglasses. Take your dimly lit castle in 2D and show it in 3D and now your watching a black screen. Buy some extra light bulbs when you're shooting in 3D.
Whether you are a 3D viewer or filmmaker, follow these rules and everything should be just fine. And if you need an example of the highs and lows of 3D, watch Puss in Boots.
Monday, October 24, 2011
The Last Airbender- The Book of Fire (Part 4 of 4)
Avatar: The Last Airbender was one of the best animated series of all time. Its three season run frequently bordered on perfection. The Last Airbender, M. Night Shyamalan's adaptation of season one, fell far short of that standard. In honor of the spin-off series, Legend of Korra, set to premiere in November [Note: It looks like Legend of Korra won't drop until 2012, but we're finishing the series anyway.], No Spoiler Tags presents this four part weekly series examining the Avatar movie series we deserved but did not and probably never will see.
In part one, we talk about some of the bigger mistakes Shyamalan made (there are far too many to mention them all and they have been well documented on other sites) and discuss how I would have done a Avatar movie series on a thematic level. Parts two through four are plot outlines for the three movies.
I'm just going to say it. I hate the undercover in the Fire Nation plotline. There, I said it. I feel better. By the time it's over, no less than four entire towns and three of their military outposts (the other finds out later and destroys the town off-screen) should know about the enemy kids running around the Fire Nation. This leads to the inescapable conclusions that there is not a loyal person in the Fire Nation and Aang and pals aren't very smart. Plus, Combustion Man apparently uses psychic powers to find and attack Aang completely out of line with the reality of the rest of the series. Another big problem with season is that Aang has a sudden crisis of conscious in the finale. Not because it's out of line with his character, it makes perfect sense for him to behave that way, but because the invasion was an assassination plot and Aang had no problem with it then. But the most world breaking problem is the battle of Ba Sing Se, in which we see four benders and a guy with a sword easily take the most defended city on the planet when the defenders are ten times more powerful. This makes the Fire Nation look incompetent both for failing to take the city earlier and being unable to defend it. It also makes the concept of fortifications seem useless. So, I've killed the undercover in the Fire Nation plot and I've got some brilliant tweaks to clear up the finale problems.
In part one, we talk about some of the bigger mistakes Shyamalan made (there are far too many to mention them all and they have been well documented on other sites) and discuss how I would have done a Avatar movie series on a thematic level. Parts two through four are plot outlines for the three movies.
I'm just going to say it. I hate the undercover in the Fire Nation plotline. There, I said it. I feel better. By the time it's over, no less than four entire towns and three of their military outposts (the other finds out later and destroys the town off-screen) should know about the enemy kids running around the Fire Nation. This leads to the inescapable conclusions that there is not a loyal person in the Fire Nation and Aang and pals aren't very smart. Plus, Combustion Man apparently uses psychic powers to find and attack Aang completely out of line with the reality of the rest of the series. Another big problem with season is that Aang has a sudden crisis of conscious in the finale. Not because it's out of line with his character, it makes perfect sense for him to behave that way, but because the invasion was an assassination plot and Aang had no problem with it then. But the most world breaking problem is the battle of Ba Sing Se, in which we see four benders and a guy with a sword easily take the most defended city on the planet when the defenders are ten times more powerful. This makes the Fire Nation look incompetent both for failing to take the city earlier and being unable to defend it. It also makes the concept of fortifications seem useless. So, I've killed the undercover in the Fire Nation plot and I've got some brilliant tweaks to clear up the finale problems.
The Book of Fire (Run time: ~3 hours 20 minutes)
Opening- Aang wakes up 3 days to 1 week after Ba Sing Se. After brief freak out, Hakkoda, Bato and the kids discuss the new invasion plan. They mention planning to use the next several months gathering troops. Bato mentions that he will be taking a group of ships south. Hakkoda says they are taking their fleet north recruiting Earth Kingdom troops on the way to the waterbenders of the North Pole. Sokka says that they will be breaking off from the fleet and going to the Northern Air Temple as there is someone there he needs to talk to. Toph suggests contacting the White Lotus, but Sokka says no. He doesn't quite trust them just yet and stresses that if the invasion is going to succeed it must be a surprise so they need to control who knows about it. (Segment runs about 10 minutes)
Zuko plotline- Zuko's story from the first half of the season including Iroh in jail and the Sozin perspective of The Avatar and The Firelord, but excluding The Beach. Hints that Azula and Ty Lee are in a romantic relationship. (Very subtle hints. As much as I'd love to see a hardcore lesbian sex scene here, it wouldn't fit in, but if it's done right it makes Azula's breakdown even better.) Scene transitions are handled by showing silent, semi-still shots of preparing for the invasion, including Aang healing and training, Sokka designing and building, and Hakkoda recruiting. (Segment runs about 35 minutes)
The Day of Black Sun- Hakkoda and the kids are in the hold of a ship when Bato comes in and says the troops have gathered for the briefing, but first he has to ask Aang something. He says "When you face the Fire Lord, you will have to kill him. Are you ready for that?' Aang: "I've killed before." Katara: "We all have." Hakkoda: "There is a difference between killing someone in combat and hunting a man down. When you look a man in the eyes before deliberately extinguishing his life, it rips out a part of your soul. Aang, if you're not prepared to deal with that, then we should just go home now." Aang: "Generations of Fire Lords have plunged this world into chaos. They slaughtered my people. The blood of millions are on their hands. It is my duty to bring peace to the world, no matter the personal cost. I must end this war. I am ready." Toph: "Then, let's go!" Hakkoda gives a quick briefing and the invasion begins. As the kids are fleeing on Appa, Azula send some of the smaller airships to follow and report back the avatar's location, but Zuko shoots down the pursuers.(Segment runs about 35 minutes)
The Western Air Temple- Zuko arrives shortly after the kids and is immediately put in an earth trap. Zuko begs to teach Aang. Toph reasons that he is the only person in the world that is willing to do it. Katara: "We'll find someone else." Sokka: "That's right." Aang: "Up until now, we've been racing to end the war before the comet comes, but since the Earth Kingdom fell and the Day of Black Sun has passed. There's no reason to rush anymore. We've got time now. I'll find another master. Things can't get any worse." Zuko: "That's where you're wrong..." Zuko explains Ozai's plan for the day of the comet. Aang and Sokka decide that they have no choice, but to give Zuko a chance. (Segment runs about 10 minutes)
The Boiling Rock- On screen text indicates that one month has passed. Aang and Zuko are in a firebending training session. They take a break and Sokka takes Zuko aside to ask where his father is being held. Events proceed as in the show. While Zuko is in the dining hall, one of the guards mentions being reassigned to retaking Omashu. Another says he heard that their crazy king retook the entire city single-handedly during the eclipse. Suki is housed in a separate women's wing. After returning to the Western Air Temple, Chit Sang uses a messenger hawk on the airship to contact Azula. (Segment runs about 35 minutes)
The Southern Raiders- Chit Sang breaks away from the group after the escape and goes to Azula asking for his reward. Azula launches into a speech about loyalty and before killing him. Zuko and Katara take off on Appa without talking to Aang and the others about their plans first. Kya's killer is still on the ship. (Segment runs about 15 minutes)
Sozin's Comet- Katara tearfully tells everyone about hunting down Kya's killer and then not being able to kill him saying "I could feel my soul starting to tear." Aang: "I am proud of you. Killing is never the answer." Zuko: "So, what will you do when you face my father?" Aang: "I don't know anymore." After Aang vanishes, Sokka receives a message that the White Lotus Society is gathering at Ba Sing Se and they decide that's where they could be the most useful. The Battle of Ba Sing Se begins with Iroh sending a huge fire blast into the sky which explodes out like a firework into the shape of the White Lotus and burns in the sky above the city. In the city, Piandao says "It's time." and jumps into action attacking the Fire Nation troops. Soon, we see that a massive rebellion has suddenly broke out all across the city. Civilians are fighting with bending, weapons, clubs and pans. Children are throwing things from windows at the troops below. The powerful benders of the White Lotus are also fighting, but I want the civilians to get most of the air time. [This makes the re-capture of Ba Sing Se more plausible, it provides parallels with how Azula took the city, and it shows the Fire Nation was right to fear the Earth Kingdom civilians. There is also some wonderful irony about a city being so tightly controlled for centuries being saved by chaos.] Toph falls to her death well out of Sokka's reach. [I love Toph, but if we're doing an adult version of the series a main character must die. Aang, Katara and Zuko all have important roles to play after the series. Suki is too inconsequential to kill and besides Sokka can't have two girlfriends die in six months. Sokka deserves a happy ending more than anyone else and it'd be really weird for Katara and Aang to make out right after Sokka's funeral. So, that leaves Toph. Her death will be more poignant because she has been so powerful up to that point and it gives a nod to a fan theory about The Swamp.] Otherwise as in show. (Segment runs about 1 hour)
So that's it. I hope you enjoyed my adaptation of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Let's hope that Legend of Korra stands up to the original series and that one day Nickelodeon gives a more competent writer/director a shot at doing this show justice on the big screen.
Zuko plotline- Zuko's story from the first half of the season including Iroh in jail and the Sozin perspective of The Avatar and The Firelord, but excluding The Beach. Hints that Azula and Ty Lee are in a romantic relationship. (Very subtle hints. As much as I'd love to see a hardcore lesbian sex scene here, it wouldn't fit in, but if it's done right it makes Azula's breakdown even better.) Scene transitions are handled by showing silent, semi-still shots of preparing for the invasion, including Aang healing and training, Sokka designing and building, and Hakkoda recruiting. (Segment runs about 35 minutes)
The Day of Black Sun- Hakkoda and the kids are in the hold of a ship when Bato comes in and says the troops have gathered for the briefing, but first he has to ask Aang something. He says "When you face the Fire Lord, you will have to kill him. Are you ready for that?' Aang: "I've killed before." Katara: "We all have." Hakkoda: "There is a difference between killing someone in combat and hunting a man down. When you look a man in the eyes before deliberately extinguishing his life, it rips out a part of your soul. Aang, if you're not prepared to deal with that, then we should just go home now." Aang: "Generations of Fire Lords have plunged this world into chaos. They slaughtered my people. The blood of millions are on their hands. It is my duty to bring peace to the world, no matter the personal cost. I must end this war. I am ready." Toph: "Then, let's go!" Hakkoda gives a quick briefing and the invasion begins. As the kids are fleeing on Appa, Azula send some of the smaller airships to follow and report back the avatar's location, but Zuko shoots down the pursuers.(Segment runs about 35 minutes)
The Western Air Temple- Zuko arrives shortly after the kids and is immediately put in an earth trap. Zuko begs to teach Aang. Toph reasons that he is the only person in the world that is willing to do it. Katara: "We'll find someone else." Sokka: "That's right." Aang: "Up until now, we've been racing to end the war before the comet comes, but since the Earth Kingdom fell and the Day of Black Sun has passed. There's no reason to rush anymore. We've got time now. I'll find another master. Things can't get any worse." Zuko: "That's where you're wrong..." Zuko explains Ozai's plan for the day of the comet. Aang and Sokka decide that they have no choice, but to give Zuko a chance. (Segment runs about 10 minutes)
The Boiling Rock- On screen text indicates that one month has passed. Aang and Zuko are in a firebending training session. They take a break and Sokka takes Zuko aside to ask where his father is being held. Events proceed as in the show. While Zuko is in the dining hall, one of the guards mentions being reassigned to retaking Omashu. Another says he heard that their crazy king retook the entire city single-handedly during the eclipse. Suki is housed in a separate women's wing. After returning to the Western Air Temple, Chit Sang uses a messenger hawk on the airship to contact Azula. (Segment runs about 35 minutes)
The Southern Raiders- Chit Sang breaks away from the group after the escape and goes to Azula asking for his reward. Azula launches into a speech about loyalty and before killing him. Zuko and Katara take off on Appa without talking to Aang and the others about their plans first. Kya's killer is still on the ship. (Segment runs about 15 minutes)
Sozin's Comet- Katara tearfully tells everyone about hunting down Kya's killer and then not being able to kill him saying "I could feel my soul starting to tear." Aang: "I am proud of you. Killing is never the answer." Zuko: "So, what will you do when you face my father?" Aang: "I don't know anymore." After Aang vanishes, Sokka receives a message that the White Lotus Society is gathering at Ba Sing Se and they decide that's where they could be the most useful. The Battle of Ba Sing Se begins with Iroh sending a huge fire blast into the sky which explodes out like a firework into the shape of the White Lotus and burns in the sky above the city. In the city, Piandao says "It's time." and jumps into action attacking the Fire Nation troops. Soon, we see that a massive rebellion has suddenly broke out all across the city. Civilians are fighting with bending, weapons, clubs and pans. Children are throwing things from windows at the troops below. The powerful benders of the White Lotus are also fighting, but I want the civilians to get most of the air time. [This makes the re-capture of Ba Sing Se more plausible, it provides parallels with how Azula took the city, and it shows the Fire Nation was right to fear the Earth Kingdom civilians. There is also some wonderful irony about a city being so tightly controlled for centuries being saved by chaos.] Toph falls to her death well out of Sokka's reach. [I love Toph, but if we're doing an adult version of the series a main character must die. Aang, Katara and Zuko all have important roles to play after the series. Suki is too inconsequential to kill and besides Sokka can't have two girlfriends die in six months. Sokka deserves a happy ending more than anyone else and it'd be really weird for Katara and Aang to make out right after Sokka's funeral. So, that leaves Toph. Her death will be more poignant because she has been so powerful up to that point and it gives a nod to a fan theory about The Swamp.] Otherwise as in show. (Segment runs about 1 hour)
So that's it. I hope you enjoyed my adaptation of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Let's hope that Legend of Korra stands up to the original series and that one day Nickelodeon gives a more competent writer/director a shot at doing this show justice on the big screen.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
A Bug's Life- Marxist Propaganda
A Bug's Life is one of the best films from Pixar which as I've said multiple times on this blog is the greatest movie studio in the history of history. This post really isn't about this movie so much as how the perspective of a film can change based on how your vision of the world has changed.
When the movie came out in 1998, the world was basically sunshine and happiness. America was at the height of it's economic and political power. The Soviet Union had collapsed and China was becoming much friendlier to the West. The Cold War was over and with it the constant fear of nuclear annihilation. We were about as close to world peace as we have ever been. Computers and cell phones were just starting to become affordable and useful to the common man. I was 12 and A Bug's Life was a generic tale about teamwork and believing in yourself.
Then, 2001 kicked off what I call the Decade of Crap in which every year it has gotten a little worse to be an American. (Personally, I've been on a pretty much non-stop winning streak since 2004, but for most people it has been total crap.) In the past 10 years, we've seen war and the rise of international terrorism. China now owns a third of the US. The stock market seems to crash on a bi-weekly basis. Mexico has been taken over by the cartels. Lady Gaga is the most popular recoding artist in the world. A catastrophic natural disaster seems to strike every month. Bipartisan cooperation has never been worse. It's never been easier to get the news, but never been harder to find actual reporting. Europe is on the brink of revolution. Religion is considered more important than science. I could go on, but this is really getting depressing.
Now in 2011, as a politically knowledgeable 25 year old after the Decade of Crap, A Bug's Life is Marxist parable about the common man standing up to and overthrowing the corporate oligarchy.
Take a look at this scene...
Couldn't you see that being played at an Occupy (Your Town Here) rally? He even mentions the grasshopper:ant ratio a 100:1. [Puts on stoner voice] You see the grasshoppers represent the top 1% out there living the high life off of the hard work of the other 99% of society. They're parasites. They don't contribute. They don't need the grain, man. All they care about is greed and control. If we ants band together, we can feed them all to the birds, like they deserve, man. (Stoner #2: Who are the birds? Stoner #1: I don't know, man. The SEC, maybe? The metaphor just got away from me a little bit there, but stick with me.) The grasshoppers need the ants. The ants don't need the grasshoppers. [End stoner voice] Wow, that was a surprisingly eloquent stoner with some well though out opinions about corporate malfeasance.
The point is media is always being re-evaluated in the light of current events. Zippidy-do-da was once the unofficial theme song of Disney. Then, everyone suddenly realized that that movie is incredibly racist and now Disney has a hit out on anyone whose ever heard of Song of the South. The Terminator used to be a fun little action film, but it looks more prophetic every year. Manhattan used to be a lot funnier before Woody Allen married his ex-wife's adopted daughter making the borderline illegal relationship in the film look too real for comfort. New meanings are found, old meanings are lost. Such is the way of things. Commentary is ephemeral and can only be viewed in the perspective of the moment. In other words, if you disagree with a No Spoiler Tags post, it was brilliant yesterday.
When the movie came out in 1998, the world was basically sunshine and happiness. America was at the height of it's economic and political power. The Soviet Union had collapsed and China was becoming much friendlier to the West. The Cold War was over and with it the constant fear of nuclear annihilation. We were about as close to world peace as we have ever been. Computers and cell phones were just starting to become affordable and useful to the common man. I was 12 and A Bug's Life was a generic tale about teamwork and believing in yourself.
Then, 2001 kicked off what I call the Decade of Crap in which every year it has gotten a little worse to be an American. (Personally, I've been on a pretty much non-stop winning streak since 2004, but for most people it has been total crap.) In the past 10 years, we've seen war and the rise of international terrorism. China now owns a third of the US. The stock market seems to crash on a bi-weekly basis. Mexico has been taken over by the cartels. Lady Gaga is the most popular recoding artist in the world. A catastrophic natural disaster seems to strike every month. Bipartisan cooperation has never been worse. It's never been easier to get the news, but never been harder to find actual reporting. Europe is on the brink of revolution. Religion is considered more important than science. I could go on, but this is really getting depressing.
Now in 2011, as a politically knowledgeable 25 year old after the Decade of Crap, A Bug's Life is Marxist parable about the common man standing up to and overthrowing the corporate oligarchy.
Take a look at this scene...
Couldn't you see that being played at an Occupy (Your Town Here) rally? He even mentions the grasshopper:ant ratio a 100:1. [Puts on stoner voice] You see the grasshoppers represent the top 1% out there living the high life off of the hard work of the other 99% of society. They're parasites. They don't contribute. They don't need the grain, man. All they care about is greed and control. If we ants band together, we can feed them all to the birds, like they deserve, man. (Stoner #2: Who are the birds? Stoner #1: I don't know, man. The SEC, maybe? The metaphor just got away from me a little bit there, but stick with me.) The grasshoppers need the ants. The ants don't need the grasshoppers. [End stoner voice] Wow, that was a surprisingly eloquent stoner with some well though out opinions about corporate malfeasance.
The point is media is always being re-evaluated in the light of current events. Zippidy-do-da was once the unofficial theme song of Disney. Then, everyone suddenly realized that that movie is incredibly racist and now Disney has a hit out on anyone whose ever heard of Song of the South. The Terminator used to be a fun little action film, but it looks more prophetic every year. Manhattan used to be a lot funnier before Woody Allen married his ex-wife's adopted daughter making the borderline illegal relationship in the film look too real for comfort. New meanings are found, old meanings are lost. Such is the way of things. Commentary is ephemeral and can only be viewed in the perspective of the moment. In other words, if you disagree with a No Spoiler Tags post, it was brilliant yesterday.
The Last Airbender- The Book of Earth (Part 3 of 4)
Avatar: The Last Airbender was one of the best animated series of all time. Its three season run frequently bordered on perfection. The Last Airbender, M. Night Shyamalan's adaptation of season one, fell far short of that standard. In honor of the spin-off series, Legend of Korra, set to premiere in November, No Spoiler Tags presents this four part weekly series examining the Avatar movie series we deserved but did not and probably never will see.
In part one, we talk about some of the bigger mistakes Shyamalan made (there are far too many to mention them all and they have been well documented on other sites) and discuss how I would have done a Avatar movie series on a thematic level. Parts two through four are plot outlines for the three movies.
The second season of Avatar was the best of the series. Late in the first season, the writers really caught on that it was the ongoing plot that drove the series forward and when the second season began they clearly had a plan for the rest of the series. So of course, I am going to change it completely. It can't be helped, some things that work great on TV don't work in the movies and vise versa. The first half of the season will be chopped up and scrambled beyond recognition, but I will try to be as loyal as possible after we reach the library.
Zuko Plotline- Zuko and Iroh reach the Earth Kingdom. Azula shows up with Mai and Ty Lee and offers to take them home. (cut to Aang plot) Zuko and Iroh learn it's a trick and escape. Zuko, looking at his knife in the symbolic hair cutting scene, goes into his flashback from Zuko Alone. (cut to Aang plot) Zuko gets his training sequence from Bitter Work. (cut to Aang plot) Iroh contacts the White Lotus and they take the ferry to Ba Sing Se, meeting Jet on board. [This should put Iroh in the city about a month before Aang. It's always bugged me how quickly Iroh's tea catches on in the series. Another annoyance is that few people recognize Iroh, Zuko, and Aang despite all the wanted posters and very distinctive features. So there will be no wanted posters and more extras will have burn scars.] [Optional scene: When Iroh first sees Ba Sing Se, he flashes back to the siege and Lutan's death.] (Segment runs about 30 minutes)
Aang Plotline- They are still at the North Pole. One of the firebenders captured at the Spirit Oasis tells them the location of a buried library [heavy implication of torture]. Sokka convinces everyone to go there. (cut to Zuko plot) At their departure scene, they are told of a wealthy family, the Beifong's, on the way to the library which will give them fresh supplies. (cut to Zuko plot) Over dinner, the Beifong's break the news that Omashu has fallen and that the king surrendered without a fight. Azula shows up while they are at the Beifong house and Toph saves the day [surprising reveal as tiny, quiet, blind girl suddenly becomes boisterous, super-powerful earthbender]. After Azula leaves, Toph asks her father to go with Aang, he objects and she leaves anyway. Her father hires the bounty hunters. (Segment runs about 15 minutes)
The Library/The Desert- The Professor has been cut, but otherwise it should be a lot like the show. One of the books Katara reads from mentions a group of waterbenders living in a swamp. While they are in the desert, the Fire Nation discovers and destroys the ferry dock to Ba Sing Se. The Kyoshi Warriors are shown leading away a group of refugees. (Segment runs about 25 minutes)
Serpent's Pass- After getting out of the desert, Aang finally gets his training sequence from Bitter Work. The Kyoshi Warriors arrive just in time to see Aang finally move a rock and Suki exclaims "You're an earthbender!" Suki pleads for their help explaining that they are escorting a group of refuges to Ba Sing Se, but it's impossible to cross without an earth or water bender. [Toph: "I'm an earthbender." Katara: "And, I'm a waterbender." Aang: "I'm both...sort of."] On the way, the Sokka/Suki romance starts up. After crossing the pass, they encounter a high mountain chain. Suki states that they must go around it as the refugees can't make it over. Sokka states that it will take weeks to go around and stresses the importance of getting to Ba Sing Se quickly. Sokka and Suki share a passionate kiss as they agree to split up and meet again in the city. Shortly after the split, the Kyoshi Warriors run into the drill and are captured. Appa is barely visible flying through the background of this scene. (Segment runs about 30 minutes)
Ba Sing Se- Everything from The Drill on should be as loyal to the show as possible, but here are the changes. We will cut out Appa's Lost Days and Tales of Ba Sing Se. By the time we get back to Iroh and Zuko, they will have been off screen for about an hour and just about forgotten about. This should help with the idea that they are settling into their new lives. By the time they show up again, Iroh has already taken over tea making operations at the slum tea shop and Zuko is well aware that they are under surveillance from Jet. After finding out they will be stuck in the city for some time, Sokka convinces the rest of Team Avatar that he should be one to handle the search for Appa while the rest of the group focuses on training. He talks about how useless he is, that the most important thing is Aang's training, and at least this is something he can do to help. Later, the benders talk about how depressed Sokka is and decide the best thing for him is some training of his own. They hear about a great sword master and trick Sokka into going to him with a phony lead about Appa. Master Piandao agrees to teach Sokka swordsmanship and is later revealed to be from the Fire Nation. Piandao initiates Sokka into the White Lotus Society when he presents him with his space sword. Zuko is shown using a fireblast to open an entrance to the base at Lake Laogai. In the series, the Guru drops some very subtle hints about Energybending. I would make those less subtle. Iroh uses their connection to the White Lotus and his actions at the North Pole to gain Sokka's trust when he needs them to save Zuko. [The Chase was cut out so Toph can't be the one to trust Iroh first.] In the series, when Sokka and Toph go to warn the Earth King, Azula uses the Earth King as a hostage to force them to surrender. In my version, as soon as the Kyoshi Warriors are revealed as fakes, the Earth King says "I tol-" before being snuffed out by Azula. This sets off a fight in which Toph is beat thoroughly before they are imprisoned. [My biggest annoyance with the original series is that the Earth King never warns anyone that he let the invasion plan slip to Azula and the fact that Toph is the only major character to never lose a fight also bugs me. Both problems are solved by this scene.] (Segment run time about 1 hour and 30 minutes)
And that's my season two adaptation. I'm sure that many fans will hate that I took Piandao out of the Fire Nation, but I've got big changes planned for the first half of season three and the role of the White Lotus which necessitated the move and I think I gave the Kyoshi Warriors a better role than they played in the show. Stop back next week to find out how I would destroy season three.
In part one, we talk about some of the bigger mistakes Shyamalan made (there are far too many to mention them all and they have been well documented on other sites) and discuss how I would have done a Avatar movie series on a thematic level. Parts two through four are plot outlines for the three movies.
The second season of Avatar was the best of the series. Late in the first season, the writers really caught on that it was the ongoing plot that drove the series forward and when the second season began they clearly had a plan for the rest of the series. So of course, I am going to change it completely. It can't be helped, some things that work great on TV don't work in the movies and vise versa. The first half of the season will be chopped up and scrambled beyond recognition, but I will try to be as loyal as possible after we reach the library.
The Book of Earth (Run time: ~3 hours 10 minutes)
Zuko Plotline- Zuko and Iroh reach the Earth Kingdom. Azula shows up with Mai and Ty Lee and offers to take them home. (cut to Aang plot) Zuko and Iroh learn it's a trick and escape. Zuko, looking at his knife in the symbolic hair cutting scene, goes into his flashback from Zuko Alone. (cut to Aang plot) Zuko gets his training sequence from Bitter Work. (cut to Aang plot) Iroh contacts the White Lotus and they take the ferry to Ba Sing Se, meeting Jet on board. [This should put Iroh in the city about a month before Aang. It's always bugged me how quickly Iroh's tea catches on in the series. Another annoyance is that few people recognize Iroh, Zuko, and Aang despite all the wanted posters and very distinctive features. So there will be no wanted posters and more extras will have burn scars.] [Optional scene: When Iroh first sees Ba Sing Se, he flashes back to the siege and Lutan's death.] (Segment runs about 30 minutes)
Aang Plotline- They are still at the North Pole. One of the firebenders captured at the Spirit Oasis tells them the location of a buried library [heavy implication of torture]. Sokka convinces everyone to go there. (cut to Zuko plot) At their departure scene, they are told of a wealthy family, the Beifong's, on the way to the library which will give them fresh supplies. (cut to Zuko plot) Over dinner, the Beifong's break the news that Omashu has fallen and that the king surrendered without a fight. Azula shows up while they are at the Beifong house and Toph saves the day [surprising reveal as tiny, quiet, blind girl suddenly becomes boisterous, super-powerful earthbender]. After Azula leaves, Toph asks her father to go with Aang, he objects and she leaves anyway. Her father hires the bounty hunters. (Segment runs about 15 minutes)
The Library/The Desert- The Professor has been cut, but otherwise it should be a lot like the show. One of the books Katara reads from mentions a group of waterbenders living in a swamp. While they are in the desert, the Fire Nation discovers and destroys the ferry dock to Ba Sing Se. The Kyoshi Warriors are shown leading away a group of refugees. (Segment runs about 25 minutes)
Serpent's Pass- After getting out of the desert, Aang finally gets his training sequence from Bitter Work. The Kyoshi Warriors arrive just in time to see Aang finally move a rock and Suki exclaims "You're an earthbender!" Suki pleads for their help explaining that they are escorting a group of refuges to Ba Sing Se, but it's impossible to cross without an earth or water bender. [Toph: "I'm an earthbender." Katara: "And, I'm a waterbender." Aang: "I'm both...sort of."] On the way, the Sokka/Suki romance starts up. After crossing the pass, they encounter a high mountain chain. Suki states that they must go around it as the refugees can't make it over. Sokka states that it will take weeks to go around and stresses the importance of getting to Ba Sing Se quickly. Sokka and Suki share a passionate kiss as they agree to split up and meet again in the city. Shortly after the split, the Kyoshi Warriors run into the drill and are captured. Appa is barely visible flying through the background of this scene. (Segment runs about 30 minutes)
Ba Sing Se- Everything from The Drill on should be as loyal to the show as possible, but here are the changes. We will cut out Appa's Lost Days and Tales of Ba Sing Se. By the time we get back to Iroh and Zuko, they will have been off screen for about an hour and just about forgotten about. This should help with the idea that they are settling into their new lives. By the time they show up again, Iroh has already taken over tea making operations at the slum tea shop and Zuko is well aware that they are under surveillance from Jet. After finding out they will be stuck in the city for some time, Sokka convinces the rest of Team Avatar that he should be one to handle the search for Appa while the rest of the group focuses on training. He talks about how useless he is, that the most important thing is Aang's training, and at least this is something he can do to help. Later, the benders talk about how depressed Sokka is and decide the best thing for him is some training of his own. They hear about a great sword master and trick Sokka into going to him with a phony lead about Appa. Master Piandao agrees to teach Sokka swordsmanship and is later revealed to be from the Fire Nation. Piandao initiates Sokka into the White Lotus Society when he presents him with his space sword. Zuko is shown using a fireblast to open an entrance to the base at Lake Laogai. In the series, the Guru drops some very subtle hints about Energybending. I would make those less subtle. Iroh uses their connection to the White Lotus and his actions at the North Pole to gain Sokka's trust when he needs them to save Zuko. [The Chase was cut out so Toph can't be the one to trust Iroh first.] In the series, when Sokka and Toph go to warn the Earth King, Azula uses the Earth King as a hostage to force them to surrender. In my version, as soon as the Kyoshi Warriors are revealed as fakes, the Earth King says "I tol-" before being snuffed out by Azula. This sets off a fight in which Toph is beat thoroughly before they are imprisoned. [My biggest annoyance with the original series is that the Earth King never warns anyone that he let the invasion plan slip to Azula and the fact that Toph is the only major character to never lose a fight also bugs me. Both problems are solved by this scene.] (Segment run time about 1 hour and 30 minutes)
And that's my season two adaptation. I'm sure that many fans will hate that I took Piandao out of the Fire Nation, but I've got big changes planned for the first half of season three and the role of the White Lotus which necessitated the move and I think I gave the Kyoshi Warriors a better role than they played in the show. Stop back next week to find out how I would destroy season three.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
50/50- Cancer Doesn't Make You Special
I felt that 50/50 was an appropriate name for this film as half of the leads in this movie, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, are terrific actors and half, Seth Rogen, are supposed comedians who have never and will never said or done anything funny. (Somehow, it always surprises me that Tommy from 3rd Rock from the Sun has turned into such a quality performer, but it really shouldn't as he stole every scene in that show from another surprisingly talented actor in John Lithgow.) I delayed going to see this for several weeks fearing that the Seth/Joseph ratio would be 50/50 or greater, luckily it was about 20/80. And little Tommy turns in an admirable performance as a young man dealing with the possibility of his imminent death. Calling this movie a comedy is a bit if a stretch, but it works very well as a drama. If I have any complaint about this movie, it's that it steals a lot thematically from another good-but-not-really-funny Seth Rogen vehicle, Funny People. (There is no accusation of plagiarism here. The two movies are completely different, but it's hard not to notice when the same actor takes on a very similar role.)
I'm tired of politicians, the news media, and Lance Armstrong talking about cancer as an "epidemic" like it's some newfangled modern day plague. Saying cancer rates are on the rise may be factually correct, but it ignores the factor most commonly linked to cancer: age. Some things, like radiation and smoking, have been conclusively linked to cancer, but when they start reporting that barbeque is the world's tastiest carcinogen, I start getting a little skeptical. Ribs don't cause cancer, life does. More people are getting cancer now because they're not dying from dysentery, because less people are dying from heart attacks. not because of some fundamental change in the environment. It is my opinion that everyone gets cancer at least once in their life and if they don't it's just because they died of something else first. Everyone knows someone who has cancer, who's survived cancer, who's died from cancer and many have had it themselves. You are not special. Sure, cancer sucks and it really sucks when it's your turn to deal with it, but that makes you normal, not special. Cancer should not be feared. It represents the inevitability of death which saves us from the nightmare that is immortality.
I bring all of this up not just to be a dick (although that's definitely part of it), but because the unspecialness of cancer is a major theme of the film. Joseph's character, Adam, spends most of the movie dealing relationships with women, friends and family, rather than cancer. Sure, all of his relationships are affected by the disease, but they aren't defined by it. Kyle, who was a good friend before the cancer, remains a good friend after. Rachel, who was a bad girlfriend before the cancer, remains a bad girlfriend (then an ex-girlfriend) after. Adam is told at one point that having cancer is no excuse to be a dick to his mother. Adam's mother asks for the AC to be turned down because her son has cancer to which the nurse replies with a look that says, "This is an oncology ward. Everyone has cancer." All of this combines to paint a portrait of what it really means to live with cancer.
Now for a reality fact-check, ultra-hot therapist-in-training Katherine lost her job. The first rule in the psychiatric community is you can't have sex with a patient. In fact, it's legally considered rape if you do. It doesn't matter if Adam stopped being her patient before they started dating, it's still an inappropriate relationship. As soon as their relationship began to turn romantic, she needed to drop him as a patient or steer them back towards a professional relationship. Allowing herself to get pulled into a romantic relationship with a patient is a serious breach of medical ethics which will almost certainly turn out badly for her.
I'm tired of politicians, the news media, and Lance Armstrong talking about cancer as an "epidemic" like it's some newfangled modern day plague. Saying cancer rates are on the rise may be factually correct, but it ignores the factor most commonly linked to cancer: age. Some things, like radiation and smoking, have been conclusively linked to cancer, but when they start reporting that barbeque is the world's tastiest carcinogen, I start getting a little skeptical. Ribs don't cause cancer, life does. More people are getting cancer now because they're not dying from dysentery, because less people are dying from heart attacks. not because of some fundamental change in the environment. It is my opinion that everyone gets cancer at least once in their life and if they don't it's just because they died of something else first. Everyone knows someone who has cancer, who's survived cancer, who's died from cancer and many have had it themselves. You are not special. Sure, cancer sucks and it really sucks when it's your turn to deal with it, but that makes you normal, not special. Cancer should not be feared. It represents the inevitability of death which saves us from the nightmare that is immortality.
Now for a reality fact-check, ultra-hot therapist-in-training Katherine lost her job. The first rule in the psychiatric community is you can't have sex with a patient. In fact, it's legally considered rape if you do. It doesn't matter if Adam stopped being her patient before they started dating, it's still an inappropriate relationship. As soon as their relationship began to turn romantic, she needed to drop him as a patient or steer them back towards a professional relationship. Allowing herself to get pulled into a romantic relationship with a patient is a serious breach of medical ethics which will almost certainly turn out badly for her.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
The Last Airbender- The Book of Water (Part 2 of 4)
Avatar: The Last Airbender was one of the best animated series of all time. Its three season run frequently bordered on perfection. The Last Airbender, M. Night Shyamalan's adaptation of season one, fell far short of that standard. In honor of the spin-off series, Legend of Korra, set to premiere in November, No Spoiler Tags presents this four part weekly series examining the Avatar movie series we deserved but did not and probably never will see.
In part one, we talk about some of the bigger mistakes Shyamalan made (there are far too many to mention them all and they have been well documented on other sites) and discuss how I would have done a Avatar movie series on a thematic level. Parts two through four are plot outlines for the three movies. Many of the ideas for my adaptation were inspired by jokes in Avatar: The Abridged Series which is a hilarious version of season one.
Pilot- Animated introduction similar the one on the pilot episode of the show. (One of the few parts I thought Shyamalan got right in the movie was adapting the base plot of the pilot episode [the execution was terrible, but the plot was right], so we will be following the movie version of the pilot.) Sokka and Katara find Aang. Zuko sees the light and goes to the village, gathers up the elderly and sees Aang's tattoos in the process. He proceeds to threaten the village it convince Aang to get on his ship. Once onboard, Zuko reveals that he knows that Aang is the Avatar. Back at the village, Sokka, Katara and Gran-Gran suspect that Aang is the Avatar and the kids chose to go on the rescue mission. Aang breaks out without using the Avatar state and leaves with Sokka and Katara. Katara asks if Aang is the Avatar and why he concealed that fact. Aang's line, "Because I never wanted to be," is the segway into Aang's flashback from The Storm. Aang runs away because he cannot handle the pressure of being the Avatar instead of the childish reason given in the show. (Segment runs about 30 minutes)
Southern Air Temple- The Zuko plotline should be taken nearly word for word from the show, but when Iroh mentions the last time Zuko dueled a master we segway into Zuko's flashback from The Storm. Aang meets with Roku who proceeds to give us a massive exposition dump about the Avatar cycle, the Avatar state ("The Avatar state is one of pure energy. It cannot be controlled until you master the energy within yourself and that is far more difficult to master than all the elements combined. Do not even try for now. When you are ready, a guide will appear to help you."), the order he must learn the elements and Sozin's comet. Aang finds the bodies of dead monks and flies into an Avatar state rage alerting the world to his return. (Segment runs about 30 minutes)
The Blue Spirit- (The Blue Spirit and Jet are both very good and important episodes to the through-going plot of the series; however, The Blue Spirit does not work if Sokka or Katara know what's happening and Aang acts very out of character in Jet. We will solve this by running these two plots concurrently.) Aang is overwhelmed by being asked to learn the elements and save the world in less than a year and asks for sometime alone and the group agrees to meet up again in one week. Shortly after splitting up Aang is ambushed and captured by Zhao. Zuko comes to the rescue. (Segment run time about 15 minutes)
Jet- At the first dinner with Jet's gang, Sokka presses Jet for information about the state of the world. Jet states that Omashu, Ba Sing Se, and the Northern Water Tribe are still strongholds of freedom, but the rest of the world is essentially under Fire Nation control. The war had been a stalemate for decades until about 15 years ago when the Fire Nation started getting a lot of new technologies. One of the kids mentions a legend that there are still a group of airbenders at the Northern Air Temple. Otherwise as in the show. (Segment run time about 15 minutes)
The Northern Air Temple- This segment runs basically the same as the show. Schematics for drill, tanks and other Fire Nation weapons partially hidden and briefly shown. (Segment run time about 15 minutes)
The Waterbending Master and The Siege of the North- The Pakku was engaged to Gran-Gran reveal needs to be cut. It requires throwing a lot of exposition at the auidence and this movie is already exposition heavy. Katara learns of her healing ability when she is denied combat training. Katara's healing instructor cautions Katara that while she can heal burns and cuts it won't work on blunt force trauma. (This clears up several inconsistencies with Katara's healing abilty, especially why she doesn't use the spirit water on Jet.) Katara convences Pakku to train her by fighting him. More time should be spent developing the Yue/Sokka relationship. Iroh is asked to join Zhao's fleet and smuggles Zuko onboard. (Zuko isn't blown up.) As in the movie, Zuko should keep Aang in the city, so he doesn't look quite so stupid. War balloons are used. One or more of the firebenders at the Spirit Oasis should be captured. Otherwise the story proceeds as in the show. (Segment runs about 1 hour)
So there it is, a proper outline for a movie adaptation of the first season of Avatar. I had to cut out a lot, but I didn't change much. Check back next week as thing really start to change in season two and in two weeks when I mutilate season three.
In part one, we talk about some of the bigger mistakes Shyamalan made (there are far too many to mention them all and they have been well documented on other sites) and discuss how I would have done a Avatar movie series on a thematic level. Parts two through four are plot outlines for the three movies. Many of the ideas for my adaptation were inspired by jokes in Avatar: The Abridged Series which is a hilarious version of season one.
The Book of Water (Run time: ~2 hour 45 minutes)
Pilot- Animated introduction similar the one on the pilot episode of the show. (One of the few parts I thought Shyamalan got right in the movie was adapting the base plot of the pilot episode [the execution was terrible, but the plot was right], so we will be following the movie version of the pilot.) Sokka and Katara find Aang. Zuko sees the light and goes to the village, gathers up the elderly and sees Aang's tattoos in the process. He proceeds to threaten the village it convince Aang to get on his ship. Once onboard, Zuko reveals that he knows that Aang is the Avatar. Back at the village, Sokka, Katara and Gran-Gran suspect that Aang is the Avatar and the kids chose to go on the rescue mission. Aang breaks out without using the Avatar state and leaves with Sokka and Katara. Katara asks if Aang is the Avatar and why he concealed that fact. Aang's line, "Because I never wanted to be," is the segway into Aang's flashback from The Storm. Aang runs away because he cannot handle the pressure of being the Avatar instead of the childish reason given in the show. (Segment runs about 30 minutes)
Southern Air Temple- The Zuko plotline should be taken nearly word for word from the show, but when Iroh mentions the last time Zuko dueled a master we segway into Zuko's flashback from The Storm. Aang meets with Roku who proceeds to give us a massive exposition dump about the Avatar cycle, the Avatar state ("The Avatar state is one of pure energy. It cannot be controlled until you master the energy within yourself and that is far more difficult to master than all the elements combined. Do not even try for now. When you are ready, a guide will appear to help you."), the order he must learn the elements and Sozin's comet. Aang finds the bodies of dead monks and flies into an Avatar state rage alerting the world to his return. (Segment runs about 30 minutes)
The Blue Spirit- (The Blue Spirit and Jet are both very good and important episodes to the through-going plot of the series; however, The Blue Spirit does not work if Sokka or Katara know what's happening and Aang acts very out of character in Jet. We will solve this by running these two plots concurrently.) Aang is overwhelmed by being asked to learn the elements and save the world in less than a year and asks for sometime alone and the group agrees to meet up again in one week. Shortly after splitting up Aang is ambushed and captured by Zhao. Zuko comes to the rescue. (Segment run time about 15 minutes)
Jet- At the first dinner with Jet's gang, Sokka presses Jet for information about the state of the world. Jet states that Omashu, Ba Sing Se, and the Northern Water Tribe are still strongholds of freedom, but the rest of the world is essentially under Fire Nation control. The war had been a stalemate for decades until about 15 years ago when the Fire Nation started getting a lot of new technologies. One of the kids mentions a legend that there are still a group of airbenders at the Northern Air Temple. Otherwise as in the show. (Segment run time about 15 minutes)
The Northern Air Temple- This segment runs basically the same as the show. Schematics for drill, tanks and other Fire Nation weapons partially hidden and briefly shown. (Segment run time about 15 minutes)
The Waterbending Master and The Siege of the North- The Pakku was engaged to Gran-Gran reveal needs to be cut. It requires throwing a lot of exposition at the auidence and this movie is already exposition heavy. Katara learns of her healing ability when she is denied combat training. Katara's healing instructor cautions Katara that while she can heal burns and cuts it won't work on blunt force trauma. (This clears up several inconsistencies with Katara's healing abilty, especially why she doesn't use the spirit water on Jet.) Katara convences Pakku to train her by fighting him. More time should be spent developing the Yue/Sokka relationship. Iroh is asked to join Zhao's fleet and smuggles Zuko onboard. (Zuko isn't blown up.) As in the movie, Zuko should keep Aang in the city, so he doesn't look quite so stupid. War balloons are used. One or more of the firebenders at the Spirit Oasis should be captured. Otherwise the story proceeds as in the show. (Segment runs about 1 hour)
So there it is, a proper outline for a movie adaptation of the first season of Avatar. I had to cut out a lot, but I didn't change much. Check back next week as thing really start to change in season two and in two weeks when I mutilate season three.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
The Ides of March- No Spoiler Tags Supports Pullman
The Ides of March is a quality political thriller about a man's transition from idealistic human being into a politician. It features a series of shady backroom dealings meant to undermine the integrity of our democracy and manipulate the voting population for reasons unconnected to actual policy decisions. The film goes a long way to explaining why American-style political parties are inherently evil and why we will never be able to move forward as a country as long as they exist, but that is a topic for another day. We are going to talk about the ridiculousness of two of Morris's campaign promises and how one of them should have ensured his unelectability.
In one speech, Morris makes the promise that ten years after he is inaugurated no new vehicle will have an internal combustion engine. While I fully support transitioning away from fossil fuels, from a engineering and logistical prospective a ten year time frame is laughably ridiculous. I would like to see the implementation of the Pickens Plan (even if Pickens himself has sort of given up on it). It seems like a reasonable and practical plan to move to only North American oil and cleaner burning natural gas. We need to use natural gas as a transitional fuel to an all renewable future. The simple fact is we are at the beginning of what will be a 50-100 year transition assuming we have the political will to start immediately and continue on that course. And here's why...
First of all shortly after Morris announces the end of the internal combustion engine, he makes a comment about hydrogen fuel, as if that was the solution to the problem. Unfortunately, hydrogen is a battery, not a fuel. Hydrogen has to be produced by using electricity to separate water into hydrogen and oxygen meaning that hydrogen takes more energy to make than it produces. It's called entropy people, look it up. And while we're on the topic, this is also why any biofuel that is not made from a waste product is a terrible idea. (I'm looking at you corn-based ethanol.)
So between hydrogen electrolysis plants and plug-in electric vehicles, we are talking about a enormous additional load on an already overtaxed electrical grid which means building hundreds of new power plants and upgrading millions of miles of power lines. What kind of plants will we build? Coal or natural gas would be the most likely and practical, but wouldn't quite fit in with the goal of the initiative. Nuclear? Public opinion was almost ready to accept it again, but Japan has taken care of that. Wind or Solar? Both have huge reliability and distribution issues which will never be solved. One day, we could build an all renewable energy system based on wind, distributed solar and biofuel from waste, but that day is a long way off and is certainly not happening in ten years.
And, all of these electric cars and renewable fuel power plants need batteries. Big, expensive, full of heavy metals, lithium-based batteries. And in both an actual and a relative sense, the world's lithium supply is much less than the world remaining oil supply. More batteries also means more of a demand for Rare Earth Elements which are unsurprisingly rare and the supply is controlled by China.
Additionally, there is not currently an electric engine which can practically move an 18-wheeler. Sorry, it just doesn't exist. The size and weight of the necessary engine and batteries makes it unlikely to ever exist. I want my fictional president to understand these kinds of energy issues and that comment shows that Morris does not.
Now, let's move on to the absolutely insane promise. Stephen convinces Morris to run on a position that everyone should be required to join the military or the Peace Corps when they turn 18. I fully support government mandated healthcare. I'd love to see a single payer system, but requiring two years of everyone's life goes way to far in intruding into the lives of private citizens. Stephen sells this plan as a surefire vote-getter with no possible way of backfiring proving that he is terrible at his job. Stephen says "Everyone over 18 will be for it and everyone under 18 can't vote." What Stephen seems to forget is that many people over 18 have children and parents tend to object when their kids are sold into slavery.
What part of promising to bringing back indentured servitude is a brilliant political strategy? I mean even if he wins the primary how is he going to win a general election? Republicans convinced a third of the country that if the government required everyone to have health insurance that couldn't be denied based on pre-existing conditions that Barack Obama would personally stab every grandmother in the county to death. They would salivate at an opportunity to run against a guy who is actually suggesting bringing back the draft for no particular reason. I'm picturing hundreds of political cartoons depicting Morris cracking a whip aboard a slave ship and they wouldn't even be that hyperbolic. Remember a vote for Morris is a vote for child slavery.
Based on Governor Morris's poor understanding of energy policy and frightening assault on civil liberties, No Spoiler Tags endorses Senator Pullman for the Democratic nomination for fictional President of the United States of America.
In one speech, Morris makes the promise that ten years after he is inaugurated no new vehicle will have an internal combustion engine. While I fully support transitioning away from fossil fuels, from a engineering and logistical prospective a ten year time frame is laughably ridiculous. I would like to see the implementation of the Pickens Plan (even if Pickens himself has sort of given up on it). It seems like a reasonable and practical plan to move to only North American oil and cleaner burning natural gas. We need to use natural gas as a transitional fuel to an all renewable future. The simple fact is we are at the beginning of what will be a 50-100 year transition assuming we have the political will to start immediately and continue on that course. And here's why...
First of all shortly after Morris announces the end of the internal combustion engine, he makes a comment about hydrogen fuel, as if that was the solution to the problem. Unfortunately, hydrogen is a battery, not a fuel. Hydrogen has to be produced by using electricity to separate water into hydrogen and oxygen meaning that hydrogen takes more energy to make than it produces. It's called entropy people, look it up. And while we're on the topic, this is also why any biofuel that is not made from a waste product is a terrible idea. (I'm looking at you corn-based ethanol.)
So between hydrogen electrolysis plants and plug-in electric vehicles, we are talking about a enormous additional load on an already overtaxed electrical grid which means building hundreds of new power plants and upgrading millions of miles of power lines. What kind of plants will we build? Coal or natural gas would be the most likely and practical, but wouldn't quite fit in with the goal of the initiative. Nuclear? Public opinion was almost ready to accept it again, but Japan has taken care of that. Wind or Solar? Both have huge reliability and distribution issues which will never be solved. One day, we could build an all renewable energy system based on wind, distributed solar and biofuel from waste, but that day is a long way off and is certainly not happening in ten years.
And, all of these electric cars and renewable fuel power plants need batteries. Big, expensive, full of heavy metals, lithium-based batteries. And in both an actual and a relative sense, the world's lithium supply is much less than the world remaining oil supply. More batteries also means more of a demand for Rare Earth Elements which are unsurprisingly rare and the supply is controlled by China.
Additionally, there is not currently an electric engine which can practically move an 18-wheeler. Sorry, it just doesn't exist. The size and weight of the necessary engine and batteries makes it unlikely to ever exist. I want my fictional president to understand these kinds of energy issues and that comment shows that Morris does not.
Now, let's move on to the absolutely insane promise. Stephen convinces Morris to run on a position that everyone should be required to join the military or the Peace Corps when they turn 18. I fully support government mandated healthcare. I'd love to see a single payer system, but requiring two years of everyone's life goes way to far in intruding into the lives of private citizens. Stephen sells this plan as a surefire vote-getter with no possible way of backfiring proving that he is terrible at his job. Stephen says "Everyone over 18 will be for it and everyone under 18 can't vote." What Stephen seems to forget is that many people over 18 have children and parents tend to object when their kids are sold into slavery.
What part of promising to bringing back indentured servitude is a brilliant political strategy? I mean even if he wins the primary how is he going to win a general election? Republicans convinced a third of the country that if the government required everyone to have health insurance that couldn't be denied based on pre-existing conditions that Barack Obama would personally stab every grandmother in the county to death. They would salivate at an opportunity to run against a guy who is actually suggesting bringing back the draft for no particular reason. I'm picturing hundreds of political cartoons depicting Morris cracking a whip aboard a slave ship and they wouldn't even be that hyperbolic. Remember a vote for Morris is a vote for child slavery.
Based on Governor Morris's poor understanding of energy policy and frightening assault on civil liberties, No Spoiler Tags endorses Senator Pullman for the Democratic nomination for fictional President of the United States of America.
Horrible Bosses- Murder Makes Everything Better
Horrible Bosses is a movie about three people who have bosses who are less than desirable in their chosen managerial styles. The economy is terrible and they face a prolonged period of unemployment should they choose to quit. Dale, Charlie Day's character, has an additional problem which we will discuss in more detail later on. To remedy the situation, our protagonists come to the logical conclusion that they must murder their employers. Wait a minute...that's not logical at all. That's incredibly stupid. See, murder is currently illegal in this country and is generally considered unethical. I know stupid, Puritanical lawmakers, but in this day and age you can still go to jail for stabbing a man to death unless you have had a successful career in professional football.
None of the protagonists really wants their boss dead. They just want to stop being jerks or failing that to no longer be their employers. The best play for Jason Bateman's character, Nick, and Jason Sudeikis's character, Kurt, is to get their bosses fired or maybe even arrested. And they had many excellent opportunities to do so.
Kurt likes his boss, but he doesn't survive 10 minutes of the film and the board of directors chooses the boss' son his successor. Kurt's new boss does not perform his duties well in large part do to his cocaine habit which he his known to indulge in on company premisses. Much like murder, cocaine is illegal and most employers frown on its use by employees, especially on duty. Most employment contracts include a clause that gives companies the right to terminate employees for drug use and to test employees who are suspected of using. Simply informing the board of his boss' activities, especially if he can provide proof, should be enough for Kurt to ensure his boss' termination.
Kurt's boss wants to fire all his overweight or handicapped employees. This is called wrongful termination. It is illegal and excellent grounds for a lawsuit which would lead to his termination. This gives Kurt two non-murder solutions without doing anything illegal or even unethical.
During the research phase of their murder plot, the main characters break into Kurt's boss' house and find a large quantity of cocaine. Again this would be an excellent opportunity for them to simply leave, inform the police and have Kurt's boss arrested. Even if he does not go to jail, he will certainly be fired.
Nick's problem is a bit more difficult as nothing Nick's boss had done before they agreed to kill him, while incredibly jackassish, could get him fired or arrested. However, after breaking into Kurt's boss' house, they proceed to break into Nick's boss' house. This would be an excellent opportunity to plant something illegal in his house, say a large quantity of cocaine (I wonder where they could have gotten that.), and notify the police.
But, Dale's decision to join in on the murder scheme was the most baffling of all. Because not only should he not want his boss dead, she is the only only person who would employe him as Dale points out in the film. See, Dale is a full-time dental assistant and a part-time registered sex offender and Julia (Jennifer Aniston) is a private practice dentist. If Dale worked at one of those chains of dental offices or in an office with multiple dentists, he might want to kill her. However, Julia is clearly the only one making or reviewing hiring decisions at her practice as no one is going to hire a registered sex offender for a job that involves drugging kids into unconsciousness. Dental practices without a dentist are called empty buildings. So should Julia stop being his boss for any reason, like being murdered, Dale faces permanent unemployment, just as if he quit.
Julia uses the knowledge of Dale's sex offender status to get away with sexually abusing and harassing both Dale and her patients. Normally, that would be grounds for suing and/or arresting her, however, as stated above, either a lawsuit or an arrest would result in Dale's permanent unemployment. Plus, he would have to deal with the social stigma of being a man claiming to be sexually harassed by an extremely attractive woman and that pesky sex offender thing eroding his credibility.
Ultimately, the only possible solution to Dale's problem is a M.A.D. (Mutual Assured Destruction) one and the one arrived at in the film. Dale gathers proof of Julia harassing a patient and uses it to blackmail her into better behavior. They are stuck with each other, after all, Julia has more to lose if Dale notifies the police.
All that is to say, please think out your murder plots beforehand. Killing someone might not be the best solution to your problem and, in some cases, it might even make things worse.
None of the protagonists really wants their boss dead. They just want to stop being jerks or failing that to no longer be their employers. The best play for Jason Bateman's character, Nick, and Jason Sudeikis's character, Kurt, is to get their bosses fired or maybe even arrested. And they had many excellent opportunities to do so.
Kurt likes his boss, but he doesn't survive 10 minutes of the film and the board of directors chooses the boss' son his successor. Kurt's new boss does not perform his duties well in large part do to his cocaine habit which he his known to indulge in on company premisses. Much like murder, cocaine is illegal and most employers frown on its use by employees, especially on duty. Most employment contracts include a clause that gives companies the right to terminate employees for drug use and to test employees who are suspected of using. Simply informing the board of his boss' activities, especially if he can provide proof, should be enough for Kurt to ensure his boss' termination.
Kurt's boss wants to fire all his overweight or handicapped employees. This is called wrongful termination. It is illegal and excellent grounds for a lawsuit which would lead to his termination. This gives Kurt two non-murder solutions without doing anything illegal or even unethical.
During the research phase of their murder plot, the main characters break into Kurt's boss' house and find a large quantity of cocaine. Again this would be an excellent opportunity for them to simply leave, inform the police and have Kurt's boss arrested. Even if he does not go to jail, he will certainly be fired.
Nick's problem is a bit more difficult as nothing Nick's boss had done before they agreed to kill him, while incredibly jackassish, could get him fired or arrested. However, after breaking into Kurt's boss' house, they proceed to break into Nick's boss' house. This would be an excellent opportunity to plant something illegal in his house, say a large quantity of cocaine (I wonder where they could have gotten that.), and notify the police.
But, Dale's decision to join in on the murder scheme was the most baffling of all. Because not only should he not want his boss dead, she is the only only person who would employe him as Dale points out in the film. See, Dale is a full-time dental assistant and a part-time registered sex offender and Julia (Jennifer Aniston) is a private practice dentist. If Dale worked at one of those chains of dental offices or in an office with multiple dentists, he might want to kill her. However, Julia is clearly the only one making or reviewing hiring decisions at her practice as no one is going to hire a registered sex offender for a job that involves drugging kids into unconsciousness. Dental practices without a dentist are called empty buildings. So should Julia stop being his boss for any reason, like being murdered, Dale faces permanent unemployment, just as if he quit.
Julia uses the knowledge of Dale's sex offender status to get away with sexually abusing and harassing both Dale and her patients. Normally, that would be grounds for suing and/or arresting her, however, as stated above, either a lawsuit or an arrest would result in Dale's permanent unemployment. Plus, he would have to deal with the social stigma of being a man claiming to be sexually harassed by an extremely attractive woman and that pesky sex offender thing eroding his credibility.
Ultimately, the only possible solution to Dale's problem is a M.A.D. (Mutual Assured Destruction) one and the one arrived at in the film. Dale gathers proof of Julia harassing a patient and uses it to blackmail her into better behavior. They are stuck with each other, after all, Julia has more to lose if Dale notifies the police.
All that is to say, please think out your murder plots beforehand. Killing someone might not be the best solution to your problem and, in some cases, it might even make things worse.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Star Wars- Obi-Wan, Why Didn't You Tell Me?
Star Wars, if you are an American older than ten who has not seen this movie and its two sequels, your citizenship should be instantly revoked. If you have ever called this movie A New Hope, you are no longer welcome on my site. And if you think Greedo shot first, your education has been woefully insufficient.
This post is about a curious decision by Obi-Wan Kenobi not to reveal a certain relationship in the Skywalker family before he died. No, not that familial relationship. If you're training someone to kill someone, it's best not to mention that the target is their father. That's just common sense. I'm talking about the fact that Luke and Leia are siblings.
Luke's first reaction when he sees the recording on R2-D2 is one of pure lust. Eventually, he realizes she is actually speaking and starts trying to find Obi-Wan. But clearly when Luke agrees to go to Alderaan, it is with high hopes of scoring some hot princess tail with some secondary motivations about freeing the galaxy from evil and oppression and avenging the murder of his entire family.
Here is how that scene at Obi-Wan's place should have gone:
Obi-Wan: The Emperor knew that if Anakin ever had children they would be powerful in the ways of the Force, so you and your twin sister were split up and hidden from him.
Luke: I have a sister?
Obi-Wan: Yeah, she's the hot chick on the recording.
Luke: Thanks for the heads up. That could have been really awkward. I was masturbating to "You're my only hope," all night.
See, incest prevented and no awkward daddy questions. And now Luke isn't some horny teenager chasing after some girl he saw on some blurry hologram, he's a man facing insurmountable odds to save the last member of his family (as far as he knows).
As far as we know, Luke and Leia never had sex, but looking at the deleted scenes on the Blu-ray release, I think Luke made out with Leia more times than Han. Leia looked like she was really into Luke in the first (not fourth) film and we all know that if a man saves a woman's life she is legally obligated to have sex with him. It's movie law. Luckily, no woman can resist the kind of man who shoots first and doesn't ask questions later, so Han had to be the inevitable winner in this contest, but Luke was definitely in the running for awhile after rescuing her and blowing up the Death Star.
Perhaps the oddest part about the Star Wars incest subplot, is on Endor when Luke tells Leia that they're related and she responds, "I knew it. Somehow, I've always known." Afterward, there's no awkward moment when they acknowledge the fact they made out multiple times and agree to never mention it again. Han doesn't tease them later about that time on Hoth. If Vader senses that his kids had the hots for each other when he senses that they're siblings, he doesn't let on. No one is creeped out by the revelation in any way. Apparently, incest is generally accepted in a galaxy far, far away.
This post is about a curious decision by Obi-Wan Kenobi not to reveal a certain relationship in the Skywalker family before he died. No, not that familial relationship. If you're training someone to kill someone, it's best not to mention that the target is their father. That's just common sense. I'm talking about the fact that Luke and Leia are siblings.
Luke's first reaction when he sees the recording on R2-D2 is one of pure lust. Eventually, he realizes she is actually speaking and starts trying to find Obi-Wan. But clearly when Luke agrees to go to Alderaan, it is with high hopes of scoring some hot princess tail with some secondary motivations about freeing the galaxy from evil and oppression and avenging the murder of his entire family.
Here is how that scene at Obi-Wan's place should have gone:
Obi-Wan: The Emperor knew that if Anakin ever had children they would be powerful in the ways of the Force, so you and your twin sister were split up and hidden from him.
Luke: I have a sister?
Obi-Wan: Yeah, she's the hot chick on the recording.
Luke: Thanks for the heads up. That could have been really awkward. I was masturbating to "You're my only hope," all night.
See, incest prevented and no awkward daddy questions. And now Luke isn't some horny teenager chasing after some girl he saw on some blurry hologram, he's a man facing insurmountable odds to save the last member of his family (as far as he knows).
As far as we know, Luke and Leia never had sex, but looking at the deleted scenes on the Blu-ray release, I think Luke made out with Leia more times than Han. Leia looked like she was really into Luke in the first (not fourth) film and we all know that if a man saves a woman's life she is legally obligated to have sex with him. It's movie law. Luckily, no woman can resist the kind of man who shoots first and doesn't ask questions later, so Han had to be the inevitable winner in this contest, but Luke was definitely in the running for awhile after rescuing her and blowing up the Death Star.
Perhaps the oddest part about the Star Wars incest subplot, is on Endor when Luke tells Leia that they're related and she responds, "I knew it. Somehow, I've always known." Afterward, there's no awkward moment when they acknowledge the fact they made out multiple times and agree to never mention it again. Han doesn't tease them later about that time on Hoth. If Vader senses that his kids had the hots for each other when he senses that they're siblings, he doesn't let on. No one is creeped out by the revelation in any way. Apparently, incest is generally accepted in a galaxy far, far away.
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